Hello. Happy Thanksgiving, nearly. Here are the things I am NOT grateful for this year:
I feel trapped, unmotivated, frustrated, scared. I don’t know how to change anything.
1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?
Turned 40, Tweeted (a fair bit), Got Laid off, Filed for unemployment, Got a new job, quit that job, Got a new new job
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember if I made resolutions, but I probably didn’t keep them. My 2018 is to Do Better.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister in law had my awesome nephew A. With any luck I will meet him someday!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
One of my sorority sisters passed away. We weren’t close (I don’t think I saw her since midway through my college career), but we were Facebook friends and her death shocked me. She left behind a 20 year old son, whose father died not even a year prior. I just don’t understand how that is at all fair. What 20 year old in 2017 should have to bury both of his parents?
5. What countries did you visit?
Belgium and France
7. What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 24 (?), the day that Big Payroll laid me off (?), January 26, the day I got my New Job, August 14, the day I quit my New Job (first) and accepted my New New Job when I went back to Big Payroll
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Losing a job, gaining a job, quitting that job after getting recruited out of nowhere. It all feels a little magical even if it also feels undeserved. (If I got the job I thought I deserved, I’d be unemployed).
9. What was your biggest failure?
Taking the New Job and not holding out for something greater. I think my heart was in the right place (I didn’t want to be unemployed for long)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing that even needs to be thought about. My neck hurt a tiny bit after my car accident, but it was temporary.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought a really cute pair of rose quartz earrings. Ooh, and the VW Golf. I don’t get to drive it much but even if I walk past it I greet it enthusiastically, “Hi Baby!”
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine, dammit.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My former colleague, the Payroll Troll. #1 reason when my old team-lead texted me “Do you want a job?” I immediately said “YES PLEASE”. I kind of wish I’d had an exit interview so they could ask why I was leaving and I could say that her shitty attitude sucked the joy out of my life for 8.5 hours a day, bookended by a an hour long commute each way only to be criticized all day. Ugh.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Gas (I guess a 2 hour commute adds up even in my Golf!)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to LA for work.
16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier
18. Thinner or fatter?
Fat, fat, fat. I am now a land whale who doesn’t even walk to the mailbox daily.
19. Richer or poorer?
We’re doing OK.
20. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I’d spent a tiny bit more time unemployed and I wish I’d visited Indiana and Arkansas.
21. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d spent less time driving.
22. How will you be spending Christmas?
Xmas 2017: at home, just Gene and I and the dogs.
23. Did you fall in love in 2017?
No, but I am always reminded about how happy Gene makes me and how much I love him.
24. Any one night stands?
Dude, I can’t afford any furniture!
25. What was your favorite TV program?
Catastrophe. Bojack Motherfucking Horseman. The Crown.
26. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No one new
27. What was the best book you read?
I finally read/listened to Pride and Prejudice. It was really lovely.
28. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My greatest musical discovery in 2017 was the full album option on YouTube. It’s so nice to listen to music I love while I work without trying to figure out exactly what app or whatever all of our music is squirreled away on.
29. What did you want and get?
A car I can drive whenever I please. It’s not just your car it’s your freedom, yo.
30. What did you want and not get?
A fucking Belgian waffle in fucking Belgium.
31. What was your favorite film of this year?
I enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy, but it’s mostly because I want to adopt Baby Groot.
32. What did you do on your birthday?
OMG my birthday sucked! I worked all day at the new job because I couldn’t take the day off. It was a very lonely day.
33. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the voters of America hadn’t done that bad, bad thing in November 2016. Please note that I’m not necessarily wishing for Clinton presidency, round 3, I just wanted a better option than the guy in office. And I didn’t vote for either of them, but I am most likely NOT making that mistake again!
34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
January-August: decently put together (although not dressed as a Clown Hooker like one of my bosses, who dared to criticize my choice in footwear, what is wrong with you lady?). August-December: ::sniff, sniff:: yeah, these 3 day old sweat pants can make it another day.
35. What kept you sane?
Slacking off, in tiny increments.
36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
37. What political issue stirred you the most?
I have obviously reached a “Bitch Eating Crackers” level of frustration with all of them. I was glad to see Doug Jones win office in Alabama. Could this undo the horrors that have been visited upon us?
38. Who did you miss?
I miss the Boo.
39. Who was the best new person you met?
So far, I like my coworkers at the New New Job (Big Payroll II: Electric Payaloo).
40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
Believe in yourself.
41. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I was looking for a job and then I found a job,
But heaven knows I’m miserable now
(The Smiths, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now)
(PS: I’m actually not miserable now, Morrissey! But if you’d asked me in early August, that would have been my answer!)
I learned something new today about Bourbon (the dog, not the booze) today: he is an avid fan of the British Royal Family. While I watched a documentary about the late Princess Diana, he was riveted by the screen. (Don’t tell me that dogs don’t understand TV and that this is proof I need to get out of the house sometime tomorrow. I know). Okay fine, he actually did this before when I watched a documentary about Queen Elizabeth, but I thought it was because of the Corgis.
I just need to believe that he’s more than the dog who barks at the neighbor girl and shreds dirty laundry in the yard and embarrassed me at the vet’s office, that he can be a sleepy snuggler, the doggy I like to snug in the morning (Sadie’s too big, Scooby’s just too many sharp elbows). That he can be the true legacy of his big sister Betty.
(And that I wasn’t wrong taking a chance on a two time loser from the shelter)
1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?
Bought a house, sold a house, worked from a hotel, worked from home, worked from my parents’ house
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
NYE 2015 was probably spent in a bald faced panic at the prospect of moving to TX. I probably made no resolutions other than to Just Keep Swimming. Sumbitch, I did.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, we are all too old now.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Betty Boo, our sweet, innocent, loving gentle wonderful puppy dog. Also Leonard Cohen RIP (when we saw him live years ago, we were only 30 feet away, that’s kind of close)
5. What countries did you visit?
Texas is its own country y’all. 2017: Europe?
7. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 15, the day we started the move to TX. February 19, the day we had to let Betty go.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not losing my GD mind. Holy fucks 2016 sucked.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not realizing that a member of my little family needed me desperately.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A plane ticket to IN for Thanksgiving. Also 2 cute pairs of ankle boots. Love them.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine, dammit.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No puta estupida antics in 2016. But here’s the secret about puta estupidae – even the ghost of one can really fuck things up. Fuck her.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Realtors. Movers. Visa. Nice restaurants in TX. Grocery delivery.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
16. What song will always remind you of 2016?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
No idea. I’m here.
18. Thinner or fatter?
Fat, fat, fat. I am now a land whale who doesn’t even walk to the mailbox daily.
19. Richer or poorer?
We’re doing OK.
20. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I’d spent more time snuggling with Betty. Not the other two, just her. A classic middle sibling who probably could have used some special attention.
21. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d spent less time hating my job.
22. How will you be spending Christmas? Xmas 2016: at home, just Gene and I and the dogs.
23. Did you fall in love in 2016?
Yes, with Bourby.
24. Any one night stands?
Nope!
25. What was your favorite TV program?
Catastrophe. South Park. Another Period. @ Midnight.
26. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No one new
27. What was the best book you read?
I’ve read so much but nothing that I really loved. I keep re-reading Big Little Lies before the miniseries begins on HBO later this year but I read it first a couple years ago.
28. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don’t think I discovered any amazing new music this year.
29. What did you want and get?
A trip to the beach. A trip to Indiana.
30. What did you want and not get?
I was { } this close to giving notice at work before the move. So close. Not that I look gainful employment as a bad thing. Also, 4 more years of Democrats in the White House. I won’t lie, this worries me.
31. What was your favorite film of this year?
Bridget Jones’s Baby. Mmm, Mark Darcy.
32. What did you do on your birthday?
OMG my birthday sucked! We were still in the hotel, Gene had to go to the new house and deal with workmen and I was at the hotel working and it was just not fun. The next day I celebrated by having a Jimmy Johns delivered to the hotel. It was a very lonely day.
33. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
This is where I usually post about how much nicer my year would have been if I’d been able to get pregnant. Instead, I will say that 2016 would have been more satisfying if Betty could have lived and Hillary would have been elected.
34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
OMG, I think I have given up. I make sure to not be wearing my PJs when I walk into the home office, but it happens sometimes. I have inherited a ton of clothes with cartoon characters, so…it’s just not a good look. The other day I wore a pair of PJ pants emblazoned with each of the houses from Harry Potter and a t-shirt with Bill and Ted on it.
35. What kept you sane?
Ativan. Ambien. Netflix. HBO Go. Chocolate. Talking w/ the Almighty D (but not enough, I’m sorry). Camping out in the back yard on sunny days for an hour or two.
36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Blah blah blah Henley c. 1991. I would still hit that if given the chance. Second choice, Cumberbatch.
37. What political issue stirred you the most?
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO, VOTERS?
38. Who did you miss?
I miss the Boo.
39. Who was the best new person you met?
Bourby, but he’s a dog.
40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016:
Still, just keep swimming.
41. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
That’s right you’re not from Texas
Texas wants you anyway
Much as predicted, we have a new furry member of the family. Literally, the same day I wrote the last post, we went to a small town near us to a non-no-kill shelter and adopted our new dog, Bourby. It hasn’t been the turnkey experience that I was hoping for, but so far things are moving along. I don’t think he’s bonded with Scooby or Sadie yet, but they all seem to get along okay. These things take time I guess.
So, I don’t know.
I’m thinking it may be time to add to the family. It’s been nearly 1 year since Betty passed away, so nearly 1 year since we moved to Texas. And what nicer way to cap off this (very good, very bad, very weird, all in one) year than by adopting a new dog?
That’s just it. I don’t know.
There are so many places to find the right dog. And it has to be the right dog, I’m on a 3 dog winning streak. And I don’t want to adopt the wrong dog.
(So often I do that – hem and haw and think about it and then buy the first shirt/shoe/sofa/house that I see)
(Proof: 3 wedding dresses. An impulse pair of ankle boots, eventually returned and transformed into two pairs, both of which I adore)
(Also: that stupid dryer in the NC house, bought during some sort of energy rebate weekend even though it didn’t qualify because no dryer qualified but hey! Dryer acquired!)
(Furthermore: every mobile phone I’ve ever purchased, ugh)
Here’s what I want in a prospective third (fourth) dog:
Basically, I want a turn-key dog.
We’ll see.
So. The terrible awful thing that happened the day after we got to TX.
(Hideous Spoiler Alert: As of today, we only have two dogs now)
Anyway. Early in 2016, Betty was taking a long time to pee. I’d noticed it even in Cheesecake City but chalked it up to her being old. Eating like a champ, able to get up on the sofa, etc. Eventually, the groomer pointed out to me that Betty had peed a lot at the groomers and I realized that it wasn’t just old age.
The vet diagnosed her with a bladder infection and gave us antibiotics. Dutifully, we gave them to her. She began peeing in her kennel at night, and in the house at all times. We’d moved the dogs to my old office so the dining room could be a dining room again and the dog room smelled just terrible 🙁 Still drinking water like normal, still eating like a boss, still the most loving dog anywhere.
And we were days from moving to TX. A 20 hour drive, stretched over 3 days so the dogs wouldn’t be too uncomfortable.
Back to the vet’s on moving day. Infection not gone. More meds, stronger ones.
Moving day was freezing cold outside and we had to leave the dogs in the back yard while the movers were moving. Poor Booper was freezing cold and sick, huddled against the side of the house because it was out of the wind and a little warmer. My incredibly sick dog, just desperate to get a tiny bit warmer. I will never forget doing this to her.
The first day, we drove to Atlanta and stayed at an Embassy Suites. We gave them all they wanted to drink, and oh my Betty wanted to drink so much water. If I’d let her at the swimming pool, she would have dried it up. Just a few minutes later though, she forcibly ejected it all. We decided that she wasn’t keeping down the new antibiotics so we stopped giving them to her temporarily.
Her illness in Atlanta was repeated at our next stop. By our last stop in east Texas, I’d taken to holding her at night (despite the protests of Scooby and Sadie) and trying to decide what we needed to do. Finally, the day before we hit our new home town, I called a vet in the new town and begged for an appointment as early as possible the next day. Our poor little girl wasn’t getting any better. If we gave her water to drink, she drank with intensity only to get rid of it quickly.
At the hotel in the new home town, we arrived around noon, unloaded everything and then Gene took Betty to the new vet. I did not expect good news. I honestly didn’t even think she’d come “home” again, but she did. For the night.
Bladder cancer. My poor baby had bladder cancer, and there was nothing to be done. The massive tumor was blocking her bladder so none of the ocean of water she’d been drinking actually went anywhere, which is why she lost all of it. “You have the best dog, with the worst disease” the vet told us.
Dutifully we went back to the vet’s office to begin the process. They did the first shot and then the second shot. When dogs go to sleep like this, they don’t close their eyes. They just aren’t awake. And then that’s it.
We elected to have her cremated, with her ashes buried at a memorial park for animals here in Texas. We still have her collar and leash and her kennel. I desperately want a third dog again, but mostly I want my Booper back.
So, here’s what I’ve been up to in the last year
So. As my coworker said to me today: At least you’re surviving and thriving!
The stars at night are big and bright
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the Heart of Texas!
So we’ve moved (Me, Gene, Scooby and Sadie; more on that later). And I finally realized that I needed to try and start writing here again. So I’m here.
Welcome Home LaineyD
Hey internet
My life has two spheres (probably true for most people): work and home.
Life sucks in one of those spheres. I haven’t written anything here in 5 months because what am I going to say? “Hey everyone, everything’s lousy and let me tell you how lousy”? No, because that’s dumb. And because I promised someone a long time ago I’d never talk shit about them on the blog again, and I’ve kept that promise.
So right now, I’m taking care of myself, being kind to myself whenever I can remember to be, reading a lot, playing a lot of Pogo, and waiting.
Love,
Elaine