Well, that was silly

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Crazy shit I have done lately:

1) Posted 8 month old draft on blog for no conceivable reason

2) Lost my mind and good manners and was extremely rude to someone in a customer service position. (Seriously rude. And now I have to attend the Best Picture Showcase in disguise).

I’m blaming point #1 on being cracked out on Ambien. I really think that the zombies on the Walking Dead aren’t really zombies, they just took their Ambien and decided to go for a walk. Sooner or later they’ll get tired and wake up 8 hours feeling refreshed. We should all just be glad that they don’t have laptops or else who knows what crazy stuff they’d buy?

Point #2 is due to work stress. This has actually been the least stressful year end I’ve had during my career in payroll. In my old job, year end was an 11 on a 10 point scale for 3 months a year. In this job the entire year is a 7 on a 10 point scale. Some of it’s just ridiculous but none of it’s as ridiculous as it could be.


Dear Immune System…

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Dear My Immune System:

It’s December, so it’s time for me to make my annual reminder: There is no getting sick in December. There is altogether too much to do!

(Sidebar: People of Earth! Can we please move Christmas to July for real? I get that you want to decorate your house, your car, your kids, buy presents, take a week off, enjoy the snow, do the Elf on the Shelf thing and sing along to Debbie Gibson’s immortal version of Sleigh Ride but year end is on the way so this is seriously inconvenient).

Anyway. So no getting sick in December. I’m out of sick days anyway.

And none in January because that’s Year End.

February is absolutely a no go on illness because I need that month to catch up on the stuff that I didn’t get done in December and January.

March? Only if absolutely necessary. I have a week off scheduled but I really do not want to spend it sick.

Maybe April. Okay, immune system, you can wreak some havoc in April but only if my boss is in town and my robot coworker is around too.

And noooo, immune system, I will not do anything to make this easier. I got a flu shot what more do you want? I will not stay hydrated, I will not take vitamins, I will not get 8 hours of sleep. I will wash my hands frequently but that’s it.

Fight the good fight, immune system.


Pyle

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So, a week or so ago I had a dream that my mom gave us a dog. It was a dachshund/yorkie mix (a dorkie). I was upset because I didn’t really want a fourth dog and if we got one I wanted a corgi (which is true, I want a corgi so bad!). And as I woke up, I was trying to decide what to name this Dorkie Dog and came up with Pyle, in honor of Ernie Pyle.

 


Just write, just wrong

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“So what are you good at?” she asked me.

Almost without hesitation, I replied “I’m an excellent writer.”

A few minutes later, she asked me, “How would you feel if you’d been able to have a child?”

With hesitation, I told her that I thought I’d be a good Mom, but had reservations and have come to embrace childlessness. Mostly.

She said, “When you talk about writing, you light up, no shame, no sadness. Your homework this week is to write.”

It was an exhausting hour of therapy.


This week

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Hi all.

So, here’s what is up with me in no particular order:

1) Saw my dermatologist last week, she’s advocating coal tar as this visit’s miracle cure for my psoriasis. Guess what smells terrible? Coal tar. On the bright side, it is working I think. I’ve got coal tar lotion, some kind of mystery goop and pine tar soap. I am totally kicking it 1830s style here. I smell like the service department at a car dealership.

2) Speaking of skin, the doctor also advocates me getting some sunshine as it will also help. You know you are one fucked up person when your dermatologist is recommending you get sun. (Or maybe she’s just banking that I’ll end up with melanoma so she can make her boat payment in a couple years). She told me to get out in the sun at exactly noon every day. What?? First of all, what are the odds of me escaping the office for lunch at noon ever? ¬†And where am I supposed to sunbathe at the office? (Never mind, I just figured that one out). So far I have made it out at noon once this week and the closest I could get to sunbathing is propping my feet up on the car dashboard while eating McDonalds.

3) Work is, well, worky. I have probably explained that every email we receive at work is turned into a “case” and since most of my coworkers are nitwits inexperienced, most of the cases end up with me. Hence, I have approximately 120 “cases” assigned to me, which is officially more than the rest of my (former) team combined. Unnnngh. Working tomorrow, BTW.

4) On the bright side, I think I love my new role at work. I have an awesome boss. Now if I could just get smart enough to do my job. More about this later.

5) And now to move backwards…my visit with Mom and Dad (when then visited Cheesecake City) was wonderful. We had some yummy meals out, did some shopping, and circled the Kabletown Arena about a zillion times waiting for Dad to come out of the Eric Clapton concert. It is very rare that I get my parents to myself (which is understandable since I moved 800ish miles away) but it was just so great to have them in town.

6) Breaking news: Sitting on the porch swing (sunning my ankles) and I think Sadie just ate a bee. Holy crap. She is one hardcore mutt.


And here’s my day

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(First Day in New Job! New Desk! Same Everything Else!)

1) Got to work early to catch up with stuff, prepare for back to back training sessions

2) Ran web meeting with client (which I’d totally forgotten about until I saw it in Outlook – “CALL CLIENT NOW!”)

3) Trained 1st client on new time and labor management system. Started late due to client lollygagging getting on the phone (15 minutes late! Urgh!)

4) Trained 2nd client on same new system. Made it to the section on tracking time off, prompting client to say “Yeahhh, this isn’t going to work for us.” They terminated service in the middle of the training class. What?!!!?!

5) Hmm. Gotta say, the client terminating service kinda ruined my day. Oh wells.


They say it’s my birthday…

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Well, most people did anyway. Turned 36 yesterday. What the hell? (Here’s what I know: I’d better be in a place in my life where I can go someplace amazing to turn 40 at, to soften the blow. I’m not very good at getting older, the entire concept genuinely puzzles me. More about that later.)

But here’s what I did:

Baked my own birthday cake using the recipe called “Depression Cake“, which sounds like a downer except that the name is because you mix all the dry ingredients then form 3 depressions in the dry ingredients for oil, vanilla and (strangely) vinegar (just a little!) and then mix and bake.

Cleaned out more home office stuff and took a carload to Goodwill and ran to the grocery store to buy frosting. Also gave Denise the opportunity to earn a million Friend points (even via texting she’s a champion listener) because something had made me a little sad.

Gene and I had BBQ for dinner, I talked to my parents and my grandfather and eventually I iced the cake and served it. I’m not 100% sure if I like it enough to make again and Gene’s opinion was that it was meh.

Today I got my hair cut (next time: color!). It is so exciting being a grownup.


Indiaaaaana, you old banana….

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So! I just got back from my visit to Indianapolis. I cannot even put into words how wonderful it was. I hadn’t been home in so, so long. A ridiculously long time. How did I go nearly 2 years without seeing my family in Indiana? And it wasn’t enough time, even though I could have crammed more activities into the days.

Friday, I worked all morning and then Gene took me to lunch at PF Changs and then to the airport. My original flight was delayed (due to weather?) and if I’d taken the flight from Cheesecake to NYC I would have been stuck for the night in NYC (which wouldn’t have been bad except for the whole no hotel reservation thing there) so Delta rerouted me through Minneapolis. (Wrong. Damn. -Apolis Delta!!). If the original flight was delayed due to weather I don’t know what they expected to find in Minnesota but it was snowing hard and blowing sideways.

Eventually, I made it to Indianapolis and figured out that my GPS from home was slightly outclassed by whatever-the-heck was done to the freeway. (Well, it was either my GPS or my natural ability to get lost driving places and I didn’t have any trouble getting to the airport this morning using the GPS…sooooo!!). And then I made it to my parents’ house. And my mom was all “YAY” and I was all “WOOHOO!” and I was home.


Insane Thing I Said on Thursday

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So, I believe I have said before that I say at least one crazy ass thing per day at work.

Thursday, the Vatican elected the new Pope. My manager said the new Pope’s from Argentina. I stood up, waved my arms over my head and said “I’M THE NEW POPE-A!”

I may or may not have suggested my colleagues kiss my ring.

Yes, I was sober.

I mean, I COULD have been elected Pope. My alma mater are the Ball State Cardinals…I was a Cardinal!


Do Payroll

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(This is one of the reasons why I don’t write here as often anymore…almost my only topic of conversation is work. Good days at work, bad days at work, promotions, hating my job, loving my job, the devil known as year-end, etc. Boooooring).

Anyway, today was a crappy day. Really, the last week has been fairly tough due to a client with technical difficulties. At work, we deal with various types of clients. We do payroll (ugh, Do Payroll) for companies and we provide technical solutions for companies who (ugh) Do Payroll for companies and we provide software for companies who (ugh) Do Payroll for companies who (double ugh) Do Payroll. The problematic client is both of the last two categories.

First up, clients who do payroll for companies are supposed to have Certain Technical Abilities. We don’t expect greatness but we do expect them to install software for themselves. At the very least I shouldn’t have to spend an entire afternoon downloading Windows Updates so we can move forward.

Second, clients who do payroll for companies who do payroll for companies should be Payroll Technical Demigods. Their IT guy should not be a frat buddy of the company’s owner who refuses to get involved (and also has an hourly rate). Their IT guy should know what the fuck a server is. They should not point the client at a drive and say “Yeah, your database is in there somewhere, I think…”

(A Small Aside… why am I always dealing with servers? Waitresses…computers…servers! Pfffhhht).

Third, I shouldn’t have to spend days of my time trying to get software to load and then install. In the real world, these people are at least payroll geniuses and don’t need to involve us at all when they need an installation. These people are (twirls finger in tight circle at ear level – this doesn’t count as defamation does it?) and I spent most of the day trying to fix them up.

All the while, I’m just dying inside. I could be helping my team. I could be trying to fix the time clock client’s time clock (client is now threatening to pull their business). A major direct client’s payroll was FUBAR and I didn’t have time to research it. I could have been working on my 80+ cases. I have a million and a half things to do but instead of sitting on a fucking web conference being this company’s IT bitch. And questioning my technical abilities. And my time and problem management abilities.