Sometimes, I really wish…

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that it was ethically possible to give the dogs a sleeping pill. Sometimes when I am here in front of the computer, Scooby will paw at me and he’ll have just been outside in the last 20 minutes, he’ll have plenty of food and water and it won’t have been too long since he was lavished with attention. If it’s possible for a beagle to pout, that’s what Scooby’s doing right now. He’s lying on the floor of my home office, not looking at me. Yes, beagles can be teenagers – I always thought Scooby was a goth beagle.

Not an aunt yet. Doctors decided to let the baby keep cooking for perhaps another week. By the time we get to IN, he may not even have been born yet. So SIL’s still stuck in the hospital and it’s making her stir crazy. I think my BIL brings her dinner every night so they still get to spend time together. Gene told me that she wears the fetal monitor until 1 AM and someone comes in at 4 AM to take blood samples, so she barely sleeps except between 1-4. I hope that my BIL knows that he’s supposed to get her a present for giving birth to his kid after being cooped up in the hospital for 2 weeks. More than 2 weeks, even.

I’m still obsessing over possible maybe someday parenthood as well. I found out that Britax is now going to make strollers and — seriously — I was so happy I was giddy. Maybe I just want to buy baby stuff. I couldn’t be more shallow. I mean…at the top of the list of depth are scientists and philosophers and at the bottom of the list are Paris Hilton, Britney Spears’ husband and ME.

Plus, I think the fates are saying I need to take a vacation (and that is to say, a vacation where there is a drink of the day for $3.99 for me and a hammock for Gene). Friday’s mail included the AAA magazine and a magazine from Carnival Cruise Lines, advertising the “Great rates for past cruisers!” There are some Western Carribean sailings I have my eye on, but let’s be serious. I’m always planning vacations I never get to take, so I can look and look and theorize and plan, but at the end of the day we’ll stay home.

See? I told you I was shallow. I want to poison my dog and take a vacation and buy a stroller.


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I made dinner tonight and it was really good. Since I have today off from chores (yippee!) I decided that I owed it to Gene and I that I try cooking. Hit the grocery store with absolutely no clue what I wanted to make. Stalked the canned soup aisle…nah, just couldn’t do it. Found the “Bag n’ Season” mixes and found one for pork tenderloin. Spent some time obsessing over which kind of tenderloin to buy and if it would be big enough…then remembered that Gene had BBQ for lunch. Felt sad (I’d been a little down since leaving work – what was that about?) and then I found this “Bag n’ Season Chicken Southwest Style”. So I made it and it was really, really good. I only used 8 chicken breast halves (I think the recipe called for 12, which would have been way too much!) and I included the black beans. Gene really liked it!! He even asked for seconds.

In other news, the weirdo I mentioned in yesterday’s post didn’t show up and anihilate the entire office. This morning, a county sherriff turned onto our street at work shortly before I did and I thought “Oh, shit, I’m going to find everyone shot to death…” but no, he was just checking on us, which was nice. The officer gave us his direct cell number but reminded us that he was going fishing this afternoon. I’m glad our nutjob bailed or else…well, things happen.

But they didn’t. And now, I’m going to commence a work vent. I don’t have enough to do right now so I find myself dreaming up stuff just to fill the time. If I’m not actively processing payroll, I’m begging our AP department for tasks (filing -yeah, FILING) or web surfing. And websurfing is what got me into trouble last time – well, part of it, anyway – and I’m terrified I’ll get into trouble again, but I just can’t spend hours staring at my hands. At least if I’m reading CNN I’m actively doing something. When I say that I have nothing to do, I am so serious. I have done all my filing – even the stuff that didn’t really need to be done (because it never gets looked at). I have dusted my desk. I have even taken paper towels and water and freaking detailed my desk. If I had a half a chance of not getting yelled at, I’d clean my car that nicely… My boss gives everything to the freaking temp and my boss’s boss dreams up projects that take an hour. Both of them like the temp and she’s not a bad person (I mean, hell, even the Ayatollah had fans) so there’s no chance of getting her sent home.

Things I did Today:
Processed my 2 pieces of real mail.
Cut 2 paychecks.
Made 3 FedEx labels.
Discussed report with IT manager.
Responded to a half dozen emails (1 of which was from my husband, another was my Daily Dilbert cartoon)
Discussed with boss…
…American Idol, origin of that greasy Constantine guy
…American Idol, how awful greasy guy sang Tuesday as compares to Wednesday
…American Idol, what a wacko Paula is
…Crazy things that used to happen in accounting department
…Bitchy memo old payroll clerk wrote in which she called IT Manager (then her boss) an asshole
…First loves
…Crazy guy
…Cops re: crazy guy
…Boss’s boss re: crazy guy
…What pussies all the men in our office are (no men showed up today before 9 AM)
…Payroll newsletters
…Filing methods for invoices as opposed to checks

Oh, and I got to code invoices. That was actually a lot of fun and I was enjoying it, but then the temp took half of them. Ugh. I don’t think I’m going to lose my job (sometimes I do, but not right now) but there’s so little to keep me busy I almost feel guilty for being paid.

I Win, I Win, I Win I Win I Wiiiiin….

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Someone challenged me to a showdown on Sploofus and for reasons completely unbeknowst to me, I got the question right and won nearly 20,000 points. Woohoo.

The title of the post, BTW, is the official Elaine n’ Gene I Win song. I think I started that one, but Gene has definitely caught up.

The swing is here and I just love it. It’s a 3 person swing, which means it is long enough for me to lay down on. I may never come back to work when the weather is nice because I see a lot of lazing about in my future.

Some psycho is going to visit my company tomorrow, so I’m going into work late (maybe 10-15 minutes…wait, that’s normal…). I don’t feel like posting the whole story but maybe I will tomorrow.

Got a manicure today. Thank you Patty! Since I’m a creature of habit I got Suzi Sells Sushi By the Seashore. It is such a freaking perfect color. Then I picked up dinner and now I’m home. And since it’s a manicure day, there are no chores today or tomorrow. Hooray! (Friday, I have to file, which sucks, but two days off is pretty great). I do need to water the garden to make sure it doesn’t croak though. Maybe in a few.

Our neighbors are selling their house and I’m embarassed because our lawn looks like hell today so I hope no one has been by. They’re selling it FSBO (For Sale By Owner) so who are we kidding? It didn’t sell last time, so what makes this different? People, realtors are the only way to go, especially because then you get an MLS # and then you get listed on, another of my favorite websites.

SIL and Cletus are OK. I hear SIL is getting excited which is good because that’s what I think about on the way to work everyday … please, please let her be a good mother and love the baby. I know it’ll all work out but it’s scary.

So, yeah…

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Not a bad day at work. Came home, Sploofused a bit, talked to my Aunt (Dad’s sister) about Macaulay/Bill’s graduation. I hadn’t talked to her since Christmas so it was nice to catch up. In a good mood, then I ruined it by reading a sad story about a doggie on It’s really a lot better for me if I just stick to blogs and trivia. A rescue group posted about a dog and then updated the post to indicate the poor baby’s time had run out. I love my two so much, but I wonder if maybe I should have adopted from a pound or ASPCA or something. The rescue group was a no-kill, so Scooby and Betty were good to go no matter what. I hate that I can’t save every sad eyed doggie, that I can’t deliver endless bags of puppy food to the rescue where we got our dogs from, that the same group may go under because of government regulations. I’m just one person and it’s the thin end of the wedge or else I’ll end up the crazy dog lady with 1000 homeless beagles in her home. Two down, 998 to go! I’m still haunted by the dog we saw at the gas station on our way to OH. Is he safe? Did someone take him with them? Are they good people? They don’t have to go fucking yuppy dog owner crazy like we do, just feed him good food and get him away from the gas station and the highway and into a warm house.

Gene has it on the brain that I have a new boyfriend (not sure if it’s in addition to or in place of Paolo, my other boyfriend) named Walter, because I wrote “Watters 8348” on an bookmark. “Watters 8348” is supposed to be the mysterious Walter’s phone number because “You can probably memorize the first 3 digits of his #”. Here is Watters 8348, although they must have changed the style #. I recognize the dress. I think I had my eye on it for when I was a matron of honor back in 2003 – it was too pricy and probably too matronly, but it’s still pretty awesome. I liked what we ended up with and it was half the price, too…

If you haven’t already figured it out, there is no boyfriend. Additionally, there is no girlfriend, paramour, mister, mistress, fuckbuddy, boytoy or piece o’ ass. Other than the husband. Who has time for an affair? Right now I’m supposed to be cleaning the guest bathroom. Shhhh… don’t tell anyone I’m blogging instead.

Cletus and Melissa are well…I’m still supposed to call the baby by his real name, but again, he’s not born yet and what if they decide to name him something dopey, like Justice Jalen or something? Why add to the confusion? Still, no one got them the Boppy and I have to admit I’m really feeling the need to just buy the damn thing, already….

Anyway, before we were so rudely interrupted…

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What’s new…
1) I should be an aunt on Friday. Not a lot is new with SIL and Cletus – oh, I’m supposed to call him by his ‘real’ name…but Friday’s not here yet and I like Cletus, and what if they decide to name the kid something goofy at the last minute?
2) No news on the boy’s knee, but the scrape from the dog walk last time still looks awful. Poor kid.
3) No contacts yet. Maybe soon. I bought sunglasses in anticipation of the blessed event.
4) I’m still keeping up with the Chore du Jour list. Today I had the day off (from chores) so I think I completed a Major Task – cleaning underneath our bathroom cabinets, which were scary. I filled an entire garbage can with expired medications. We have so much crap.
5) I should be folding laundry. I think that’s the reason behind giving myself Monday off, was to finish laundry. Oops. Maybe after my blog post?
6) My grandfather isn’t coming to Macaulay/Bill’s graduation. He dropped that bomb on me today – he being grandpa – because he has to go to some dinner at his country club. Ugh. I just don’t believe that man! I give UP on him.
7) What I’m reading: An Ordinary Guy (or maybe it’s called a Normal Man, or an Ordinary Man or a Normal Guy – something) by Mona Simpson. I bought it once – I think at the dollar store – and it didn’t make much sense. My copy of it may still be at my parents house. So far I’m still not getting into it. Oh, and Atlas Shrugged. I read a few pages last night before passing out at 10. Darn good sleep.
8) The dogs are now being fed Merrick Wilderness Blend dry dog food. Dear readers, I’m not telling you this to brag, but this food is so darn cool! I mean, go look at the picture in the link. How delicious does that look? I hope Scooby likes it. Betty will eat anything, including the rest of Gene’s Beanie Weenies from lunch. (Not intentionally – we don’t fed them human food).
9) ::eyeroll:: Freaking Betty
10) Not busy enough at work. My boss’s boss gave me some bizarre task – and he’s proud of thinking of it. No idea why we still pay for a temp, but at least she didn’t spend any time playing solitaire today. She’s back from her laser eye surgery and – damn! It didn’t blind her.

Did you miss me, Internet?

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Because I sure missed you!

I got home from Friday to find our Internet “down”. Begged Gene to “unbreak” the Internet. No good. Called our ISP and told them to unbreak the Internet. They said, “How about Thursday?” I thought, but I want my blogs and my Sploofus and my email.

Oh, yeah. And Gene needs the Internet to DO HIS JOB. And we all know that’s how the thought process was. Oh, yeah, Gene uses the Internet for work… They said they’d escalate to the Local Office and they’d call back Saturday to maybe come earlier. 2 PM Saturday and no phone call and Gene made me call them because he’s “tired of being the bad guy”. (Funny, I’m tired of being the cleaning lady but I’m still scrubbing toilets…). So I call and they transfer me hither and yon, suggest I call back hither, which I do. They transfer me to the Local Office. Local Office called dispatch and forced an appointment for today (Monday). They showed up about 4.

Wanna hear what the problem was? Apparently our ISP – the name of which company shares part of the name of a major city in Pennsylvania – has being doing some upgrades…and telephone spamming us about it (because god knows, if they’d emailed we would never know!), always saying “And you don’t have to do anything.”

But – as Eddie Izzard says – they lie. We needed a new modem. The girl I spoke to in tech support asked me what modem I used and I told her. I told her what it looked like, who it was made by and what color it was. Never did she say, “Hey, I think Cheesecake City highspeed internet is now using a different modem!”

Well, we fucking are. And it’s a damn good thing I’m back on the Internet because I’m a junkie and I was about to start shooting hostages. Uck. No Internet? What is this??? 1988? Uck.

Anyway, I’m home! More to follow later.

Various Updates…

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SIL is doing well and so is Cletus. Sounds like she’ll be in the hospital until the baby is born, on or around the 29th of April. If memory serves, this will make him about a month early overall. In addition, they’re moving (well, my BIL is) into the new house on the 28th. And – ha ha ha – he thinks he’s going to a wedding on the 30th. Doesn’t he know that a 1 day old baby is the ultimate in excuses?

Everyone here at Cheesecake HQ is fine. The dogs are well on their way to destroying my beautiful, claaaassy couch so I bought a cover for it at Kohl’s yesterday. IMHO, I think it’s time to keep the dogs off the freaking couch but WTF do I know?

Today was the major day of payroll processing and it went just about perfectly. I had to have my boss’s help for some of the clerical tasks and I hate that, but it’s just part of the deal. Our office also had a cookout today.

In other dog news, Booper is now registered in our town so now I can apply for their Pooch Pass so they can go to the dog park. Yeaaaa! The freaking end is in sight.

Rubberband Girl…

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So I’ve spent a lot of time recently on the phone with my grandfather (Dad’s dad). I’ve mentioned him before on the ‘blog but now I want to talk about him again. Grandpa is now retired to a small Southern retiree town but during his professional career, he was very successful. At one point, he was a professor at Purdue University and at the end of his career he owned his own business that did something with plumbing (he wasn’t something as simple as a plumber, oh, noooo). In between, he held a number of executive positions. I remember that he was an executive at the company that owned Jolly Rancher candy because everytime I’d buy some at the ghetto candy store down the street from my house I’d think that Grandpa owned Jolly Ranchers.

His successes enabled him to do some really nice things for our family as well as my Aunt in Illinois. Sometimes, though, it feels he’s more Godfather than Grandfather – you know the Godfather movie poster with the puppet strings? I honestly believe that he feels that, having given these gifts, he can now say WTF he wants about who TF he wants. This is usually just a nuisance but Macaulay/Bill is graduating from college next month so I’ve talked with him a lot while planning our respective trips to IN. He has managed to keep enough dignity to not insult my other grandfather – who has been dead since I was in the 6th grade (~16 years) but he still manages to get these little zingers in. I don’t want to get into the details because my mother and brother both read the ‘blog and I’d like to spare them.

Yesterday, my mom said that I was the good one and they (Mom, Dad, Bill) were the bad ones because I still maintain a relationship with my grandfather. Me, I like to believe I’m taking a bullet for my family. I take absolutely no joy in talking to this man. I use the same telephone tricks on him that I use on restaurant managers, insurance claim clerks and Department of Social Services flunkies. Gene reminds me that someday I’ll regret feeling this way about my grandfather, but I just don’t think he understands. He sees the gifts but he wasn’t the one sentenced to 10 weeks in their shithole town.

I am not being a pampered princess about this, really folks. I am not turning my nose up at the man who, oh Christ, has been so financially generous (but so emotionally unpleasant) because I’m such a bitch or because he denied me a treat when I was 7 or something. Six years ago my eyes were on the prize and I did what had to be done to finish my education and get him off my ass (about that, anyway). The title of this post (which is also a Kate Bush songtitle) is meant to refer to how stretched I feel dealing with both sides of this issue. It’s not a good feeling.

Go Me!

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Cleaned the fridge. By “cleaned” I mean, I took each shelf out and washed it with soap and hot water. I also got rid of any expired foods I hadn’t already disposed of (I’m pretty fanatical about expiration dates as you may know). It looks so good! And then I went to the grocery and bought more stuff to fill it up. (And eat.)

I’ll have my new contacts by next week sometime. I didn’t like this doctor much, but at least it’s over. I hate it when medical professionals don’t use humor. I mean, bedside manor isn’t just an idea for staying in the hospital.

Which leads me to my next point…my SIL Melissa and future nephew Cletus are in the hospital for awhile. I don’t think he’s fully baked yet and my BIL told us not to worry but I’m hoping for a good outcome and a healthy end to Cletus’s stay in Chateau Melissa. As you know, I’m a big time Atheist who actually said “I think religion can be incredibly divisive” today at work, but if you’re not an atheist and want to light something or close your eyes and wish for something to somebody, please go ahead. And if you’re an atheist like me, just close your eyes and think good thoughts.

PTO, and the livin’ is easy…

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You know, for the most part, I. Hate. My. Job.

But on days like this, when I breeze in, fiddle around and breeze out at noon, not to be seen again until Wednesday, I don’t mind it at all. It’s easier to like your job (or workplace – these are terms I easily confuse) when you’re not actually there.

So here I am, frozen pizza at home for lunch, sitting in front of my computer, blogging and reading other blogs, thinking about chores to do. There’s no Chore du Jour today (except I already unloaded the dishwasher and I should fold the rest of the laundry – wait, Hot Damn! I did that already!), but I may just finally clean the fridge before it actually attacks me for my neglect.

BTW, if I were single, purple and made of plastic I’d want to marry my Dyson. Beg, borrow or steal one. Well, you can’t borrow mine, but maybe someone else’s will suffice.

Next up, the eye doctor in an hour. Boo, hisss. Gene’s there right now (it’s the same practice) and hasn’t called to tell me our insurance doesn’t cover the eye doctor, so I’m hoping for the best. I would really like to have contact lenses in time for the big trip to IN. It would be nice to not be confused for Bill/Macaulay’s 14 year old little sister, y’know?