Sooo…ha ha ha….remember how stressed I was about what to wear to Macauley and Michelle’s wedding? How I looked at seventy five shops in 3 malls? Plus a trillion online shops? How my too kind friend Julie emailed me at least a half dozen really good suggestions?
I’m sorry, Elaine, WHAT did you say?
I SAID I WORE PANTS
So, the Thursday before we left for Ohio, I went to the mall and finally bought something. It was a sleeveless long dress with a light blue background and little purple flowers. Very pretty. It came with the world’s ugliest jacket, but I figured I could just pick up one of those little shawl looking things and be done. YEA!
Did I tell you this? After I bought the dress, I had to walk through a few sets of theft detectors and they all beeped. Finally, I turned around and called out “I didn’t steal anything!” and kept walking. I knew I was OK because NO ONE from the store bothered to chase me down and cuff me.
Turns out, the theft detecting hangtag off that fugly jacket was still on there. Fucking idiots! If I have the receipt and the tags intact, I’m totally returning it. Life is too short and money too dear otherwise.
So anyway: on the day of the wedding, I put the dress on, only to discover that the armholes were so wide that you could see my nasty ass bra. Plus I never got around to buying a little wrap thingy, and my arms were a little sunburned from an outdoor lunch. I looked at my pathetic reflection in the mirror at the Adams Mark bathroom and one thought drifted to the front of my mind:
Get your pants on, you fat idiot.
So that’s what I did. Julie, I sincerely hope you won’t make good on your threat to injure me – I mean, I bought a dress….just didn’t wear it.