I’m here. Nothing to report. At home I’m trying to get some writing done but end up playing a lot of that suduku thing. I know I’m late to the party but it makes me feel smart. I like that.

Work is….well, mahjobiscrappis as always. With exactly one (1) payroll left in the year, new boss’s boss has decided that we’re going to start paying twice a month instead of biweekly, starting in January. This is HUGE and I don’t think he understands the changes he’s making.  Did I tell you they’re bringing down my payroll system at noon the day I’m to print the last check run of the year?? And, to top it all off, my printer is still extremely iffy.

I swear it’s time to go Office Space on the printer. Hand me my bat, Michael Bolton!

Moral Dilemma

So, apparently those wiley buggers the Eagles have released 3 new songs. I mean, totally new. Not crap from the vaults. Not dance mixes of “Heartache Tonight”. NEW. And I want them so, SO bad.

The problem is two-fold: First, it’s bundled with the Eagles DVD from their Australian dates. I already have this DVD. Second, it’s only available at Wal-Dump. The Eagles have teamed with Wal-Mart in some multi million dollar deal for marketing their new stuff. I’m not particularly opposed to Wal-Dump, it’s just my own personal vision of hell (and it’s based in Arkansas, which is the rest of the vision, so it all fits!) and I’m a little upset that Don Henley, the same guy that wrote lines like “Pray for the independent little man” is in cahoots with Wal-Mart. Mr. Anti Corporate? The guy who spent the 1990s yammering about the environment?

I mean, seriously. I feel so disillusioned.

So now what do I do? I could get D to buy one for me the next time she goes to Wal-Mart. I could buy one with cash – then it’s like I hardly bought one at all, right? I could just forget about it. The songs will most likely not be on iTunes (since Wal-Mart runs their own online music thing right?), so I can’t score them that way.

Thanksgiving 06: The Aftermath

The in-laws are gone and I am dancing a festive jig. We all had a good time but it’s always nice to be back to our regular schedule. They left a day early (woot! wooot!) so now Gene and I have a weekend to ourselves.

Anyway – when I wasn’t writing loony toon blog posts (sorry about that – sometimes it’s hard to stop the crazy train), I…

…Went to the mall yesterday. Only for an hour or two. I wanted to buy a coat and I just had a good feeling I’d find something marvelous there. I was wrong. But on the bright side, I found some socks for me and some stuff for others so it wasn’t a total loss. I was hoping that I was officially a size 16 again, but I think I have some more weight loss to go until I get there. That’s okay – it’s nice to wear my pants that used to be too tight and now have them baggy.

…hung out with nephew #2 – my absolute favorite part of the weekend was when my SIL took nephew #1 out for a walk (he was cranky) and I got to hang out with #2 alone. I mean, no other responsible adults in the entire house. (Whooo!) He was in his car seat napping. He likes the rocking motion, so I gently made his little seat move and I serenaded him with Elaine’s Greatest Hits (the first couple verses of Hotel California, a spare verse or two of Fairytale of New York, a line from Midnight Train to Georgia, some of Suzanne, etc). When there are other adults around, I’ll hold the baby but I try to not be to “into it” unless I’m alone with him. IMHO, if they’re desperate enough to leave ME with the kid, what’s the worst thing that could happen if I favor him with some Leonard Cohen?

…held dogs on my lap for hours and hours. I don’t think either dog is especially into the kid thing. Nephew #1 got Scooby’s tail pretty hard. Scooby just looked at me like he was saying “What the hell, woman??” Neither dog displayed any aggression, which was a very good thing.

One more thing to be thankful for…

My remaining grandmother is ill and in the hospital. I am thankful that she is not as sick as she was when she was admitted. (!!Here is when the post takes a turn for the bizarre. It happened quickly!!) When I see her at Xmas, I would like to tell her** there is a moratorium on sadness until 2009*, so she’d better hold on tight. As my grandpa in Arkansas says, We’d better not have to make a trip up north!

*(Here’s how I figured this out: In ’06, Blanche died, so that’s our fill of sorrow. I want a clean slate of happiness for 2007, and 2008 is the Year of Plan B, so absolutely no sorrow then for sure).

**(But I won’t, because it’s loony).

(Don’t you love the word “moratorium”? It sounds like a mix of “moron” and “auditorium”. Also, the best part of Atlas Shrugged is the chapter titled “The Moratorium on Brains”).

…and it just gets weirder. Anyone who still respects me should probably just skip this…

(Actually, the best part of A.S. is when Dagny Taggart finally gets it on with John Galt. And then there was the part where she got it on with Hank Rearden. And the flashback to when she got it on with Francisco d’Anconia. But the moratorium stuff was good, too. For a woman obsessed with making over the world with capitalism, Ayn Rand was pretty obsessed with strong women getting it on with stronger men***).

***Sorry for overusing the phrase “get it on with” – I’ve been doing a writing exercise where I write in a man’s voice and there’s only so many euphemisms for having sex. I mean, surely they don’t seriously call it ‘making love’.

(Wow, this post went to hell pretty quickly. I should consider marking it private so I don’t weird anyone out).

(Ehh, never mind. You wouldn’t read it if you didn’t want to).

Thankful ’06

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for…

…Having a job. I don’t always like DOING the job, but at least I’m not unemployed.

…Having a wonderful husband who, just a minute ago, came up behind me and kissed me on the ear.

…Having two awesome dogs who did not react badly when my nephew pulled fur, chased after them, or got into their kennels.

…That the turkey only set off the smoke detector 3 or 4 times this year. Damn you Alton Brown and your stupid brine turkey.

…That it is oooooover.

Christmas again?

Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses is on Sirius.

And it begins again.


Actually, while I’m thinking of it…

“Elaine’s List of Highly Acceptable Xmas Songs”

1) Fairytale of New York – but only the original by The Pogues feat. the Late, Great Kirsty MacColl.

2) Please Come Home for Christmas– preferably the Eagles version, but the original is also very good. I’ve heard a version by Jon Bon Jovi and it wasn’t too bad.

3) Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – either the Darlene Love original or U2. I’m actually looking forward to hearing this one on the Muzak at the office after everyone’s gone so I can sing along.

4) Marshmallow World – Dean Martin. My grandma’s favorite singer and a song that’s fun to sing along with.

5) The Man w/ the Bag – I have no idea who sings this, but again, it’s a fun song.

6) Santa Baby – Madonna. The original is pretty good, too.

7) Happy Xmas (War is Over) – John Lennon w/ Plastic Ono Band. Yeah, it would be nice. I like the part in the chorus where they sing “War is over, if you want it.” They don’t play that on the Muzak anymore.

8) Christmas at Ground Zero – Weird Al Yankovic. Probably a lot funnier before the end of the Cold War (and before 9/11), but I still enjoy it.

9) 2000 Miles – The Pretenders. Such a pretty song.

10) I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day – Elvis Costello. (This link isn’t to the lyrics, per se, but to an article detailing just how workers go nucking futs listening to this crap all day). Edited – turns out this song is by a band called Wizzard. I’ve removed the link to the article about retail employees hating Xmas music and replaced it with a video of Wizzard performing the song. Creepiest damned thing I’ve seen in a long time. I think the second “Z” in “Wizzard” stands for “Zoiks, these guys are creepy as fuck!” Watch with caution before dark. BTW, I’m still certain that Elvis Costello has covered this, I just can’t find proof.

11) Carol of the Bells – ? – So dramatic. Hmm, there are lyrics. I like it better when the lyrics are “doo-doo-dee-doo, doo-doo-dee-doo (etc, etc)”.

12) White Christmas – Darlene Love’s version only. Bing Crosby can just deal with it. For years, the part of the song where she sings, “It is December twenty-fourth and I am longing to be up north” absolutely undid me every. single. time. (Phil Spector is a murderer, but one hell of a producer)

And now, the Flip Side

“Elaine’s List of Completely Unacceptable Xmas Songs”

1) Christmas in Dixie – baaaaaarf. Then again, I know southerners who have lived in the north who have the same reaction to this that I have to White Christmas.

2) Hey Santa – Wendy and Carnie Wilson. Such a very stupid song.

3) Santa That’s My Only Wish This Year – Britney Spears.

4) Let it Snow – Gloria Fucking Estefan

5) Sleigh Ride – Debbie Gibson

6) A Very Special Christmas – Any version. They all suck.

7) That Celine Dion song that sounds like “Wikki Wikki Wikki Winter Snow” – What the hell is that?? (ETA: it’s actually called “Christmas Eve”, and she’s singing “Walking with you in the winter snow”)

8.) Do They Know it’s Christmas – Band-Aid. Racist tripe. I’ve already discussed.