Tax season har-d-har har…

So, I have an early W-2 season funny story for you:

There is a former employee of my employer. We will call him Senor Dumbass or SD for short. He has a wife/girlfriend/fiancee, Senora Dumbass or Mrs. SD. For the record, SD no longer works for us because he failed a very important test (puff, puff).

I spoke to Mrs. SD (hmm, just realized that I am calling her Mrs. Mrs. Dumbass – oh well) a few weeks ago when she called to give me SD’s new address for his W-2. He received his W-2 and today Mrs. SD called back because something was horrrribly wrong w/ the W-2. He received two W-2s (??). I looked him up in the software and he’s only in there once so there is NO WAY he received two W-2s without something being horribly awry (or maybe there’s another choice… but wait for it!). “Youuuuuu haaaave to fiiiiix thiiiiis,” she tells me repeatedly (BTW, I think Mrs. SD would have failed that test as well…).

“But I don’t see anything wrong!” I said and told her to fax me the W-2s so I can see them. (If the $$ wasn’t for SD, who were they for?). She agrees and I end the call. (BTW, of course she is AT H&R Block getting her taxes done right that moment). But then she calls back and says she has no way of getting to a fax machine (what changed in the previous 5 minutes?). I tell her to mail copies to me. She once again reminds me that “Youuuuu have to fiiix thissss, we haaaave to fiiiiile our taaaaxes!” and ends the call.

Confused -and suffering a tiny contact high- I look up SD’s 2008 wages in the software and low and behold, they were the same as the figure on the mysterious “other” W-2. What’s so crazy is that the W-2 clearly has the year listed. It’s not written in code or Roman numerals. They all say 2-0-0-9 or 2-0-0-8. Even the tax preparer at H&R Block was confused (maybe he had a contact high too?).

Endgame: Left Mrs. SD a voicemail that basically said, “Yeehaw, Dumbass, what you got there is an old W-2. Next time, put down the crack pipe and read a little closer!”

(Well, OK, my message said that the figure matched his 2008 wages and that perhaps the 2008 W-2 got put in their 2009 file).

(Hmm, perhaps the SD family is also filing their 2008 taxes?)

Important things to know

…about W-2s


(Yes, this is the time of year where I talk about nothing but W-2s but at least I’m not talking about babies, so shut up).

So, let’s say that you are shocked (!) that only $9 was deducted in federal tax all year long. Don’t go crying to your employer’s payroll clerk, as if she deducted another $100 and is spending it on beer and cashews or something. You claimed Married and 4 and all of your paychecks were for $300. Did you not notice each pay period that the federal tax YTD was $0?

And don’t ask the payroll clerk “What SHOULD I claim?” Ummm… I have a grand total of 6 days training in payroll and 0 days training in taxes. Don’t ask me. What’s next? Asking me what religion to choose? (ha ha hahaha) Most of the time I refer the person to a CPA, accountant or H&R Block, although I am considering no longer mentioning that last one because I spoke to one of their crack tax preparers and frankly they sounded like perhaps they used crack.

And finally, here is a thought: If you moved three years ago and then quit your job with my company, maybe you should have called me with your new address sometime in the last 3 years. Mo-ron. Your f’ing address was on each of your payroll checks, so the fact that it was wrong is not a surprise. Neither is the fact that W-2s come out every f’ing year. (Trust me on this – I am on my 10th W-2 “Season”).

Speaking of W-2 Season, I told a co-worker today that W-2s are like politics. You spend all this time working to get everything done and then all you can do is sit around and wait for the returns. (For example, I have received a half dozen back in the mail already. The rest of the week will be mayhem-a-riffic).

even terrorists want w-2s

I don’t know if this dream is funny, weird or something else…

So, the w-2s arrived at work yesterday (Friday). D and Gwen sort them (there are 3000 of the little suckers) and all the current employee W2s are sent via FedEx to the locations. I didn’t do much to help (busy sorting checks).

Clearly I felt guilty about not doing more to help D and Gwen because last night I dreamt that terrorists were trying to kill me (??) to get their W-2s. I know we have some real jerks at my employer’s but I didn’t think any of them were Al-Qaeda.

(I know, I know…trying to explain the logic from your own dream is tough)

PS: I think I’m pregnant with a food baby… thank you Melting Pot!

Hmm. So!

So anyway, the (freeeeeaking) W-2s are going to be late by about a week. Argh. I was expecting them today and now I’ll get them “early” next week. I am glad for the delay so I can focus on other stuff at work but I was also looking forward to them going the hell away this week. Oh well. Everything in its own time, I guess. (Also: this means that instead of just this week being loopy crazy, I have two straight weeks of craziness to look forward to).

And now, a brief Public Service Announcement: If you consistently receive a huge refund, consider changing your withholdings so you get to keep more of your paycheck throughout the year. You are welcome.


So, it’s that time again!

::big inhale::

“Okay, no, they haven’t gone out yet. Which location did you work for? Okay, what’s your name? Yes, I have your address as 123 Any Street in Cheesecake City. Oh, okay, what’s your new address? All righty, can I get a phone number just in case? Great! Okay, the W-2s haven’t gone out yet – actually I don’t even have them yet – but we have until February 1. No, they should go out by the last week of January so you should have it by the first week of February [and here’s where I have to talk fast and then hustle the person off the phone]. If it comes back in the mail I’ll call you but if you don’t have it by Valentine’s Day call me! ‘K, thanks for calling!”

:::and exhale:::

So far, it’s actually gone pretty well. Today, a former employee asked me if I could fax her W-2 to her at H&R Block tomorrow. When I informed her that I don’t even have her W-2 yet, she informed me that she was broke. “And it sounds like we’re going to stay broke.”

Because I am a Grade A bitch, I apologized to the employee and got off the phone. Then I fired off an email to The Almighty D advising the employee to try not dropping out of high school, beauty school and trucking school. And perhaps look into birth control.

Yep, it’s W-2 Season. Time to strap on the Bitch Face. (It’s not just a power trip, I promise. It’s just that there are 3000 W-2s and just 1 me).


Well, the good news is that I fixed the issue I was having – which I may or may not have actually mentioned here – so now I can click publish on posts without fearing that WordPress ate whatever I typed after the last auto save. Yay!

The bad news is that I don’t have anything else to say. I’m having a bit of a green eyed monster attack and I feel like a grade-A bitch posting about it. Seriously, it’s better that I don’t go all “Woe iz me” on here. No one wins then 🙂

In happier news…

remember when I did my 2009 Year in Review and I said I thought there was a third pregnancy out there amongst my friends (either of the IRL or the FaceBook variety and I just realized I should point out that IRL = In Real Life, not Indy Racing League)?

Yep, I was right 🙂 Yay Erin!

(Hey, could there be a fourth prego out there? Could there?)


Somehow, for some reason, 1/9/10 became the date with the highest # of people reading my teeny tiny corner of the internet. Yay! (And no, I won’t tell you what the # is because it reveals how teeny tiny my corner really is).

I am well, hope you all are as well. (Exception: the puta estupida who is welcomed to rot).