So, I have an early W-2 season funny story for you:
There is a former employee of my employer. We will call him Senor Dumbass or SD for short. He has a wife/girlfriend/fiancee, Senora Dumbass or Mrs. SD. For the record, SD no longer works for us because he failed a very important test (puff, puff).
I spoke to Mrs. SD (hmm, just realized that I am calling her Mrs. Mrs. Dumbass – oh well) a few weeks ago when she called to give me SD’s new address for his W-2. He received his W-2 and today Mrs. SD called back because something was horrrribly wrong w/ the W-2. He received two W-2s (??). I looked him up in the software and he’s only in there once so there is NO WAY he received two W-2s without something being horribly awry (or maybe there’s another choice… but wait for it!). “Youuuuuu haaaave to fiiiiix thiiiiis,” she tells me repeatedly (BTW, I think Mrs. SD would have failed that test as well…).
“But I don’t see anything wrong!” I said and told her to fax me the W-2s so I can see them. (If the $$ wasn’t for SD, who were they for?). She agrees and I end the call. (BTW, of course she is AT H&R Block getting her taxes done right that moment). But then she calls back and says she has no way of getting to a fax machine (what changed in the previous 5 minutes?). I tell her to mail copies to me. She once again reminds me that “Youuuuu have to fiiix thissss, we haaaave to fiiiiile our taaaaxes!” and ends the call.
Confused -and suffering a tiny contact high- I look up SD’s 2008 wages in the software and low and behold, they were the same as the figure on the mysterious “other” W-2. What’s so crazy is that the W-2 clearly has the year listed. It’s not written in code or Roman numerals. They all say 2-0-0-9 or 2-0-0-8. Even the tax preparer at H&R Block was confused (maybe he had a contact high too?).
Endgame: Left Mrs. SD a voicemail that basically said, “Yeehaw, Dumbass, what you got there is an old W-2. Next time, put down the crack pipe and read a little closer!”
(Well, OK, my message said that the figure matched his 2008 wages and that perhaps the 2008 W-2 got put in their 2009 file).
(Hmm, perhaps the SD family is also filing their 2008 taxes?)
(Yes, this is the time of year where I talk about nothing but W-2s but at least I’m not talking about babies, so shut up).
So, let’s say that you are shocked (!) that only $9 was deducted in federal tax all year long. Don’t go crying to your employer’s payroll clerk, as if she deducted another $100 and is spending it on beer and cashews or something. You claimed Married and 4 and all of your paychecks were for $300. Did you not notice each pay period that the federal tax YTD was $0?
And don’t ask the payroll clerk “What SHOULD I claim?” Ummm… I have a grand total of 6 days training in payroll and 0 days training in taxes. Don’t ask me. What’s next? Asking me what religion to choose? (ha ha hahaha) Most of the time I refer the person to a CPA, accountant or H&R Block, although I am considering no longer mentioning that last one because I spoke to one of their crack tax preparers and frankly they sounded like perhaps they used crack.
And finally, here is a thought: If you moved three years ago and then quit your job with my company, maybe you should have called me with your new address sometime in the last 3 years. Mo-ron. Your f’ing address was on each of your payroll checks, so the fact that it was wrong is not a surprise. Neither is the fact that W-2s come out every f’ing year. (Trust me on this – I am on my 10th W-2 “Season”).
Speaking of W-2 Season, I told a co-worker today that W-2s are like politics. You spend all this time working to get everything done and then all you can do is sit around and wait for the returns. (For example, I have received a half dozen back in the mail already. The rest of the week will be mayhem-a-riffic).
Just as I thought, the tally of pregnancies is now up to 4, with a total # of expected babies up to 5 (WOW!). I am so happy for all of you 🙂
I don’t know if this dream is funny, weird or something else…
So, the w-2s arrived at work yesterday (Friday). D and Gwen sort them (there are 3000 of the little suckers) and all the current employee W2s are sent via FedEx to the locations. I didn’t do much to help (busy sorting checks).
Clearly I felt guilty about not doing more to help D and Gwen because last night I dreamt that terrorists were trying to kill me (??) to get their W-2s. I know we have some real jerks at my employer’s but I didn’t think any of them were Al-Qaeda.
(I know, I know…trying to explain the logic from your own dream is tough)
PS: I think I’m pregnant with a food baby… thank you Melting Pot!
So anyway, the (freeeeeaking) W-2s are going to be late by about a week. Argh. I was expecting them today and now I’ll get them “early” next week. I am glad for the delay so I can focus on other stuff at work but I was also looking forward to them going the hell away this week. Oh well. Everything in its own time, I guess. (Also: this means that instead of just this week being loopy crazy, I have two straight weeks of craziness to look forward to).
And now, a brief Public Service Announcement: If you consistently receive a huge refund, consider changing your withholdings so you get to keep more of your paycheck throughout the year. You are welcome.
So, it’s that time again!
“Okay, no, they haven’t gone out yet. Which location did you work for? Okay, what’s your name? Yes, I have your address as 123 Any Street in Cheesecake City. Oh, okay, what’s your new address? All righty, can I get a phone number just in case? Great! Okay, the W-2s haven’t gone out yet – actually I don’t even have them yet – but we have until February 1. No, they should go out by the last week of January so you should have it by the first week of February [and here’s where I have to talk fast and then hustle the person off the phone]. If it comes back in the mail I’ll call you but if you don’t have it by Valentine’s Day call me! ‘K, thanks for calling!”
So far, it’s actually gone pretty well. Today, a former employee asked me if I could fax her W-2 to her at H&R Block tomorrow. When I informed her that I don’t even have her W-2 yet, she informed me that she was broke. “And it sounds like we’re going to stay broke.”
Because I am a Grade A bitch, I apologized to the employee and got off the phone. Then I fired off an email to The Almighty D advising the employee to try not dropping out of high school, beauty school and trucking school. And perhaps look into birth control.
Yep, it’s W-2 Season. Time to strap on the Bitch Face. (It’s not just a power trip, I promise. It’s just that there are 3000 W-2s and just 1 me).
Well, the good news is that I fixed the issue I was having – which I may or may not have actually mentioned here – so now I can click publish on posts without fearing that WordPress ate whatever I typed after the last auto save. Yay!
The bad news is that I don’t have anything else to say. I’m having a bit of a green eyed monster attack and I feel like a grade-A bitch posting about it. Seriously, it’s better that I don’t go all “Woe iz me” on here. No one wins then 🙂
remember when I did my 2009 Year in Review and I said I thought there was a third pregnancy out there amongst my friends (either of the IRL or the FaceBook variety and I just realized I should point out that IRL = In Real Life, not Indy Racing League)?
Yep, I was right 🙂 Yay Erin!
(Hey, could there be a fourth prego out there? Could there?)
Somehow, for some reason, 1/9/10 became the date with the highest # of people reading my teeny tiny corner of the internet. Yay! (And no, I won’t tell you what the # is because it reveals how teeny tiny my corner really is).
I am well, hope you all are as well. (Exception: the puta estupida who is welcomed to rot).
Dear someone’s ex something,
You suck and I hate you.
PS: Puta estupida.