As an aside, there’s a Stevie Nicks song whose lyrics include the word “phony”, spelled “phoney”. Hyper-critical me, even as a 14 year old, totally saw that in the CD liner notes, brushed the black tulle out of my face (don’t ask), and thought, “Stevie, please! There is no E in phony!”

(Actually, let’s go even further aside and discuss the hat, which looked a little like the hat on the cover of Stevie Nicks’s album Rock A Little but with a foot of black tulle protuding from the back. Saw it in a hat store at the mall back in 1992-ish, spent my Christmas money on it, was scared Mom would think I wasted my Christmas money, got it home, Mom thought it was the most badass hat in the history of millinery and to this day refers to it as a chapeau*. The hat has retired to either Indianapolis or the closet in my home office, but if it’s retired to Goodwill, that’s OK).

Anyway, bought a new cell phone because it “was time” (psst, it wasn’t quite time yet, don’t tell anyone). Have spent most of the last 24 hours trying to get all the saved phone numbers from old phone to new phone (next time, I will do this before activating the new phone). It actually rang while I was out picking up dinner tonight. AT&T has made it very difficult to answer a ringing phone while driving, but…not made it any harder to dial the phone while driving. I also haven’t bought a case for it yet so I’m considering keeping it in a Ziploc for right now or maybe just not using it yet, but it feels silly not to use it as I was all “I’ve been eligible for an upgrade for 3 hours let’s order a new phone for me RIGHT NOW!” but then again it will feel far far worse if I drop the damned thing. Shudder.

To-Do List Progress

For my own self interest, here is my progress on the to-do list…

1) Upgrade wardrobe – kind of done. I ordered a bunch of stuff from Lands End but I’m returning half of it. (new item on to-do list: Put together Lands End return)

2) Upgrade cell phone new phone on the way

3) Go to dentist – trying to get this scheduled. Dentist’s office is closed for lunch when I’m at lunch and by the time I think about calling again it’s either too late in the day or on Friday, when they are closed.

4) Go to vet’s office done!

5) Go to Chiropractor

6) Order flea treatment goo for dogs

7) Order or otherwise procure tickets for Best Picture Showcase – done!

8) Order more Ambien (did you hear that someone, the FDA or someone, has cut the recommended dose of Ambien to 5 mg daily instead of 10? Who do I write to in protest?) – done

9) Shoes?

10) Book travel for Indiana trip in March

11) Straighten out Bookmooch book list – done!

12) Read one more not terrible book before birthday

13) Request time off for parents’ visit in April. Figure out how to tell Gene about same (shhh).

14) Yell at Apple about yet another shredded power cable for laptop

15) Order birthday cake for my birthday

Negative Girl…

So, yesterday we finally got the dogs to the vet’s office to get them caught up on the various and sundry medical things that needed to be done.

(Speaking of which… I, LaineyD, solemnly swear to get my dogs to the vet’s office when they are actually due for things and not 1-3 months later).

1) All three dogs were due for the kennel cough vaccine (which is only a big deal if they were going to be boarded anytime soon, which they aren’t, so I felt OK about putting that one off).

2) Betty got her ear looked at finally, which makes me feel like a total asshole as she had not one but two kinds of ear infection. I knew she had an issue and I’d been cleaning her ears out at home every few days just biding my time until  I wasn’t working on a Saturday 🙁

3) Sadie got her heart worm bloodwork (as she came to us heartworm positive, she has to be tested every 6 months) and it was NEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGAAAATIVVVVE!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY. I won’t lie, I teared up right there in front of the vet (Dr. Babytalk), who looked at me like I was cuh-ray-zee until I reminded her that Sadie was heartworm positive as of the last time they’d tested her.

4) Sadie also has a spot on her hind leg that we wanted them to look at. Dr. Babytalk determined it is a lick granuloma. Basically, this is what happens when a dog licks at a spot frequently enough that it gets inflamed. Why do dogs do this? Anxiety. What a shock that Gene and I would have a dog with anxiety (Elaine types, while nibbling a finger)! The vet gave us some stuff to put around the spot to keep her from licking at it – it’s bitter apple flavored. So far, I think Sadie may like the flavor of bitter apple. Sigh.

5) And hooray, the vet bill came in way under what I was concerned it would! YAY. (It does kind of make all that stupid overtime worth it though!)

Renaming myself

And I know this can be done because another blog I used to read, all of a sudden the blogger added a bio that said something like “Suzy Blogger, recently nicknamed Dreamy McSteamy, has been blogging about walnuts since 1997” and I was all “What the hell? YOU chose that nickname! You can’t nickname yourself! It’s like how you can’t throw your own bridal shower. This is bullshit!” and before you ask, I’ve been Lainey since I was a wee little pain in the ass and I’ve been LaineyD for ten years. You can’t give yourself a nickname. That shit is thrust. upon. you. (Preferably by your grandmother and a marriage license).

Anyway. I wasn’t really going anywhere with this, I just felt like venting about when people make up their own nicknames.

Wooty Tooty Fresh n Fruity

I have no idea what I meant by that, BTW. It’s one of the sentences to spill out of my mouth, along with “Hell Yeah Bitches!” and “Rock Out With Your Cock Out”. You’re right if you’re thinking “Elaine’s mother must be so disappointed with her and that vulgar mouth!” unless you are my mother, in which case you’re shaking your head and thinking “Oh, Elaine…”.

Anyway! Today’s my first day off since New Year’s Day and it was SO exciting. So exciting. Mega exciting. I hate working on weekends exciting. If I were starring in a movie version of “Oh The Places You’ll Go” it would be 30 seconds long and consist entirely of me driving to the office.

(Gahh, what a whiny thing, one stinking weekend and she’s acting like she just came home from a tour of duty)

Anywayer! Here are my plans for the next few months:

1) Upgrade wardrobe

2) Upgrade cell phone

3) Go to dentist

4) Go to vet’s office

5) Go to Chiropractor

6) Order flea treatment goo for dogs

7) Order or otherwise procure tickets for Best Picture Showcase

8) Order more Ambien (did you hear that someone, the FDA or someone, has cut the recommended dose of Ambien to 5 mg daily instead of 10? Who do I write to in protest?)

9) Shoes?

10) Book travel for Indiana trip in March

11) Straighten out Bookmooch book list

12) Read one more not terrible book before birthday

13) Request time off for parents’ visit in April. Figure out how to tell Gene about same (shhh).

Ah, it feels good to write all of this out.




2012 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I attended the midnight premiere of a movie (The Hunger Games), I watched the Twilight movies (so bad, so very very bad), I ate and enjoyed avocado/guacamole and I watched many many episodes of Star Trek The Next Generation.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2012 resolutions were to read more books and worry less. I read more books, but I also re-read a lot of books. What is it about the Mumble Mumble Shades of Grey books that force me to re-read them compulsively? Seriously. It’s like a Merry-Go-Round that I can’t get the eff off of. My 2013 resolutions are to read better books from time to time, take more bubble baths, keep taking my meds, dress better and make it to Indiana at least once.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One of my coworkers and a colleague on another team at work.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. (I’m writing this on 11/21/12 and I hope this stays true for at least the next 40 days).

5. What countries did you visit?

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 14, 2012, my 10th wedding anniversary.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

No one’s fired me from my most recent side-motion at work so I guess that’s a success. Inexplicable, too!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Ugh, I suck at returning phone calls at work. The number of times I say “I’ll call you right back!” does not equal the number of times I actually call someone back. Not by far.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope. A pretty healthy year. Ooh I got LASIK!! YAY.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My beautiful anniversary ring.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gene’s. And Denise’s, for getting out of a crappy work situation and ending up in a very cool work situation (well, I think it’s cool but she may disagree). (Update: she disagrees. Sorry D).

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone’s ex-something. Puta estupida. (Same answer since at least 2008)

14. Where did most of your money go?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I got really excited about my anniversary band

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

“Some Nights” by Fun. I’m always so glad when it comes on the radio, even if I’ve just heard it a few minutes before (I have 6 preset stations in the car, about 1/2 play this song). I even looked up the video on YouTube, which is pretty rare for me.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Happier I think. I honestly can’t tell you how much getting decent rest has improved my well being.

18. Thinner or fatter?

Bitch, please. Fatter. I am one pie away from looking like Honey Boo Boo’s mom.

19. Richer or poorer?
Grumble, grumble.

20. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I’d traveled more. I want to go to Indiana, I want to go on a vacation, I want to stretch out in a chaise lounge on a beach somewhere and chill out.

21. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I’d spent less time reading garbage, but as of right now one of my plans is to hang out here on the sofa and keep reading Fifty Shades of Mumble Mumble. (edited to say that I have now finished Fifty Shades of Mumble Mumble and now I’m not reading anything pretty much).

22. How will you be spending Christmas? Xmas 2012: at home, just Gene and I and the dogs. Christmas is on a Tuesday this year so, whatever.

23. Did you fall in love in 2012?


24. Any one night stands?

All new bedroom furniture someday, baby!

25. What was your favorite TV program?

Gossip Girl, Community, Revenge

26. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No one new

27. What was the best book you read?

I read Fifty Shades of Mumble Mumble and the other books in the trilogy, the first two books that are supposed to be “The Next! Fifty! Shades!”, various Gossip Girl books, half of Gone Girl before I got bored and a half dozen Sweet Valley Twin short ebooks. It has not been a great literary year for me. I did, however, have a dream that solved the plot conundrum in the book I’m writing so maybe the best book I’ll read in 2013 will also be the book I’m writing.

28. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That Top 40 radio doesn’t always suck. I have also discovered that I really want to be able to use the iPod to play music in the car again.

29. What did you want and get?

My beautiful anniversary ring.

30. What did you want and not get?

The Louis Vuitton Madeleine PM handbag. If I hadn’t found my anniversary band, this handbag was my second choice. I found a bag a lot like it for about 1% of the LV’s price.

31. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Hunger Games

32. What did you do on your birthday? Took two days (!!!!) off work, saw The Hunger Games, went out for a fancy dinner, ate cake, went to the LASIK place, shopped at the Talbots outlet. Those were some fan-tabulous days off!

33. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

GETTING PREGNANT. My feelings about getting pregnant have receded over the last two years, but it never, ever goes away. This is the third year I’ve written this.

34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
“How to look terrible and remain upright” (on the bright side, I have thrown out a number of my random Old Navy tshirts, so maybe things will improve?)

35. What kept you sane?
Pharmacuetically speaking, Viibryd and Ambien. Recreationally speaking, Words With Friends Named Denise, SongPop, Sunday nights and Monday nights, Gossip Girl on Netflix, leaving the building on my lunch hour for some peace and quiet.

36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Blah blah blah Henley c. 1991. I would still hit that if given the chance.

37. What political issue stirred you the most?
I’m glad for how the election went but I’m also worried that for all of the discussion about the Twinkie Bankruptcy and how someone’s going to buy the Twinkie formula no one’s mentioning the Hostess Cupcake. Whatever will become of the Hostess Cupcake??? Fix this, Mr. President!!

38. Who did you miss?
I miss the 27 year old I met in 1997.

39. Who was the best new person you met?

The lady at McDonald’s drive through. She is so nice to me.

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

Don’t stop taking your medication and mix with wine. But for fuck’s sake don’t drink too much at your office holiday party!

41. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that* for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
-Fun “Some Nights”

* Okay, every lyric source I found on the internet has this lyric written this way but I’m still kind of convinced that he sings “Washed my hands of God for this?” which THEN worries me that I have been accidentally been exposed to Stealth Christian Music which is the worst kind of music because THEN I worry that people will be all “Mmm, listening to Christian music are we?”, all smugly like “HA I knew you wouldn’t be an atheist forever!” and THEN I have to be all “Umm, no, 100% atheist 4-eva” and then they’re “Ha ha, the singer said God so YOU just got back door converted!” and THEN I’m all grumble grumble and I hate that.