Agggh, HELP ME

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So, my baby brother Macaulay/Bill (they actually had it printed that way on the invites) is getting married in LESS THAN A MONTH. And guess who doesn't have something to wear yet?


I really thought I'd have an easy time of it. Waltz into Kohl's, find something in a size that works on me (Kohl's sells tents, right?) and get the hell out of there.

No go. No dresses at all at our Kohl's. Bastards. Don't they know that Easter is coming up? Do the women of Cheesecake City not get Easter dresses? (The mother of the bride is wearing a dress that I hear is appropriate for Easter services, so I don't want to go fancier than that.)

Frankly, there are a lot of clothing issues with this whole event for me anyway. I don't want to look too fancy. I don't want anything that makes me look elderly (and apparently the only people who are plus size who need to dress up are the mother of the bride at a wedding or perhaps a corpse). I can't wear black because then tongues will wag. And if I can avoid the color the bridesmaids are wearing that's a bonus too. (For the record, I am so relieved my FSIL didn't ask me to stand up for her. I would rather fuel my ugly dress cash into a bigger present).

(Hey, Mom, what color are they wearing?)

So, here's what I've found that I really like. Is it too elderly? Frankly, I've never really dressed my age so it doesn't bother me to add on a year or two but I don't want to look like someone's mother. (And by "someone", I mean "an average 40 year old".)

I have perused fucking SCOURED the pretty people mall. Did you know that when it comes to plus size dresses, even Nordstrom has the same old shit?? The pretty people mall has 4 anchor stores (will have 5 in September when Neiman-Marcus joins the mall). I left Nordstrom for last because of course I thought anything they had would cost like $10,000 and why bother when I was looking to spend $100 or (much) less. So color me shocked when the salesgirl showed me the exact same Jessica Howard dress and cardigan combo I'd seen in at least one other anchor store. Sure, they had it in "petite plus size" but the other store had it 30% off. Yeah. I'm going to hit the less pretty people mall today and hope for better things.

And if I don't find better things, I'm buying the damned Coldwater Creek dress because I GIVE UP.

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