(And yes, if I’d been the adult in charge I would have done it, of course…but I am merely a guest star in this episode of A Baby Story so, huzzah!)

G-Dawg is completely my favorite niece. (Yes, she’s also my only niece. But I’m my Auntie Lyn’s only niece so I’m HER favorite, too!). I hope to add her to my collection of Godchildren. Yes, I know. Godchildren, in this instance, really just means that Gene and I are legally responsible for children (other than the Boy) if something happens to Gene’s best friend and his wife. And while it makes a mockery of the religious use of the word “godparent” (I could go on from there but I know at least two of you take the whole Godparent thing seriously so I will stfu out of respect), I just look at it as building my Army of Children Not My Own. Like Angelina Jolie.

* I don’t know who equates to Turtle in this math problem but the concept amused me Thursday night when I started this post and it still amuses me now so it stays.

That said, my birthday weekend w/ Mom feels like it happened months ago. I think that part of why I haven’t written lately is that I am still upset that Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. I mean, Northern Iowa??? That game happened when Mom was in town and we watched the last 10 or so minutes (on the laptop), cringing the whole time. We also watched the last few minutes of the Purdue game at the restaurant we went to for my birthday dinner.

We really had a great time and I feel bad that I haven’t written about it. (Hope your feelings aren’t hurt, Mom!) Mom loved IKEA (at least the meatballs) so much that we walked through it twice. Maybe two and a half times. We also walked all around the outlet mall another day and part of a regular mall another day.

I was pretty certain that I was going to dislocate a hip, we walked so much. (Oh, and we also walked the dogs on a long route through my neighborhood, which they loved). Mom, on the other hand, did all of that walking PLUS played with our Wii Fit PLUS walked on the treadmill. Seriously. One night we all went to bed and I hear noise upstairs in the guest room. The next morning Mom announces that she made her own Mii and played with the Wii Fit. We went to bed at midnight. Mom cannot be stopped!

(Thankfully she still helped us put major dents in the cakes plus once or twice a day she’d sit down with a mini cupcake or two. She is my mother after all!)

So, that was my birthday. (Except for the huge bag of bargain books from Books-A-Million that Mom and Dad got me for my birthday, which I am still working my way through and probably will be for awhile). (And!!!! My dad sent along a birthday present for me, which was a Fleetwood Mac concert poster that he found on eBay searching for Eric Clapton. That was such a sweet gift!)

Work is work – Stefania was out of the office all of last week so I was Accounts Payable for a week. I have more respect for her than I ever thought possible – how does she not drink at her desk every day??? Two days into last week I was ready to start stabbing people and by day four I begged Gwen to not make me help accounting anymore. (She said no. Grrrr). So, between the A/P Week and being off for Good Friday (ha! I worked from 9 am until 2 pm anyway) I am so. freaking. behind. (Seriously, Gwen, all I wanted was a few freaking days where I could focus on the awesome reports you make me put together so everyone can ignore them – is that so wrong?).

In entertainment news, Couples Retreat suuuucked. So disappointed. Vince Vaughn as a family man isn’t just fiction, it’s science fiction! I am embarrassed to admit it but I love to listen to the stupid pop station on the radio in hopes that they will play Lady Gaga or Ke$ha. Oh, and we have watched all three seasons of Arrested Development. The first season was great and the other two were not bad. And did I tell you I watched the first season of Californication using Netflix Instant Queue? I hope they put the other seasons on the Instant Queue because I really liked it.

And the dogs – Scooby had his annual vet visit today and – shocker! – he’s getting old. The vet said that one of his teeth may have to be pulled eventually. Beyond that, he is fine – good ears, no fleas, etc. The vet’s office is so fraking expensive. Booper is also doing well although she is slowing down a little too and we need to talk to the vet about her legs when she has her annual visit later this year. Love the puppies, so glad we have ‘em. There was a picture on the wall at the vet’s office of a whippet who was a patient there who lived for 15 years. It’s shocking to think that we adopted both dogs as puppies and now we’re almost halfway through the best case scenario, life wise.

Finally – tomorrow is Macauley/Bill and Michelle’s baby shower. (Wasn’t it like 3 weeks ago that you guys called and said “We’re pregnant! Don’t tell Mom!”). Unfortunately, I wa$ not able to attend but I sent a Chicco travel system in my place. (And a surprise dilly present, muah ha ha).

And, nothing new on the topics of Plan B or The Boy.

I am fine, hope you are too.

In other navel gazing news, it just occurred to me that I should call Dr. P’s office to make an appointment for my (ugh) annual. Considering that that the last time I was in Dr. P’s office, I practically tap danced out of there, medical records in hand, shouting “And the next time I come here I will be pregnant!”, it’s a little depressing to have to go back there, tail tucked, for just another stupid pap. My records at Dr. P’s have the phrase “trying to conceive” written all over them, and having to admit failure…ugh.

I am actually considering seeing my regular doctor for this year’s annual. Dr. J (or Dr. Hottie as I have called him) always makes me laugh. He is a fun doctor and he never tells me I’m overweight and that I need to take more Metformin (which is to say, any). Then again, he also said I needed to take another stab at trying to talk to someone about IVF.

Sigh. Maybe I’ll go find a new doctor instead. “Babies?” I’ll scoff when asked. “No babies here, doc. I just hate ‘em!”

(Okay, I used the grocery store brand non-digital first but I threw away the box when I cleaned out the bathroom so I wasn’t entirely sure what the result was, so I *had* to bring out the big gun).

(Oh, and the CBE digital said “Hell No!”)

(Here’s an idea: funny pregnancy tests – the results are “thumbs up” for positive or the middle finger for negative)

(It would be PERFECT. The first pregnancy test for people who can’t understand the regular tests and are illiterate and can’t read the regular digitals)

(Then again, some people take these tests hoping to not be pregnant, so maybe this would have to be marketed to illiterate infertiles, which is an awfully small group)

So, thank you for listening to my TMI tale, dear blog readers. I don’t think Gene would have understood (“Well of COURSE you’re not pregnant!”) – it’s just that Hope is awfully beguiling with the “You never know!” stuff.

(Oh, and one of us respectfully requests no Plan B chat over Xmas, please. Babies Not Yet Born = Yes, Babies Not Yet Conceived But Would Live At My House= Try Again Later).

Wanna hear something super cute? So, Gene is XBox friends with my brother, Macauley/Bill. As you know, Bill is going to be a FATHER in May. Due date 5-14. So, whenever Gene goes through his XBox friends list, he sees my baby brother and under his user name is “5-14 A New Era*”

C’mon, say it with me: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

(* I think that’s what it says. Either way, it is adorable).

(Ahem).

Sooo, yeah, it’s a pisser, this waiting nonsense, but what’s another 3 or 4 months? It wasn’t that I thought doing this would be cheap, per se, I just had my hopes up that an insurance miracle perfect storm event would happen and the Money Lady (who reminded me of Blanche) would say, “For you, sugar, we just want a $10 copay and a picture of you holding a baby in 10 or 11 months.”

(A girl can dream, and isn’t that what my life has been an exercise in?)

Visiting Dr. K’s office next Tuesday. I don’t know if this means I don’t get to start drugs until next month, but technically next Tuesday is before day 21 so we shall see. And in good news, all the stuff the bloodwork was for came back totally normally. Hooray for having eggs!

In the meantime, here are some interesting resources that I have used to gather info:

IVF Packet from an IVF clinic in Indianapolis. This is literally the most interesting thing I’ve read this year. I have copies of it on White Dog and my computer at work. I swear I didn’t just pick this one because it’s from Indiana, although it doesn’t hurt. And why oh why doesn’t Dr. K’s group have such interesting reading on THEIR site??

IVF Calculator – from an IVF site from Canada. Just type in November 1, 2009 at the top (next to “menstrual date”) and it will tell you WTF might happen in a perfect world… in 2006. (I blame that on it being a Canadian site, what with their square wheels and all).

Something else interesting: in my perfect world a 5 day transfer would be scheduled for the day before the absolutely positively busiest day of the year for me. As in, “I don’t care how many cells you had transferred, you get your ass in this office at 4 am and do payroll for the next 11 hours.” And the day after that is the day we’d leave for Indiana or Ohio so I’d be in a car for 12-ish hours on Xmas eve.

(Boy oh boy, there is no good time to knock up a test tube, is there?)

(How do people get pregnant by accident, again?)

Confidential to Macauley/Bill: Yes, little brother, I planned ALL OF THIS so I could find out if we succeeded on your birthday. How did you know? (By the way, give me a call – I want to make you an offer you’d be stupid to refuse. Get my work # from Mom).

Went to LabCorp today for my first IVF related bloodwork. Hopefully I’ll hear about the results early next week and Dr. K will give me an official game plan. I did not know this until recently, but it appears that IVF is generally a two month endeavor.

Here is what I think is going to happen:

Unless Dr. K wants me to take a month of birth control pills (does he not understand the point of all of this???), I think I’ll start injections in about 15 days. This goes on until my next menstru… peri… umm, until the next time my Aunt visits (I hate dumb euphemisms).

Then I start other injections and then a few days after that I have to get bloodwork every day (I hope I can do this at LabCorp near the house – Dr. K’s office is SO far away!) and then a few days after that they start ultrasounds to check out my “follicles.” “Follicle” is a fancy word for “egg” and the whole point of all those shots is to try and mature as many as possible. (And don’t worry, I won’t become Octomom – just because one has 12 or more awesome follicles does not mean one will have 12 or more babies 9 months later).

If all goes well to that point (and there are so many ways things can go to hell, so this is a big “if”), I will get a “trigger shot” and a day or two after that, Dr. K will retrieve the best and the brightest of my follicles. This is called “egg retrieval” and is performed while I am sedated. (Why no, I will not be going to work that day.)

After that, Dr. K and his minions will be working feverishly to get my eggs and Gene’s contribution to join. This may require the use of a procedure called ICSI (pronounced “ICK-SEE”). ICSI is more money (of course) but, to be honest, I’d rather spend more and end up pregnant than go through this crap twice.

Anyway! Assuming that Dr. K et al were successful: Either 3 or 5 days later, Dr. K will perform what is either a 3 day embryo transfer or a 5 day blastocyst transfer wherein they move the best and the brightest from their freezer home to the Happiest Place on Earth. (I won’t tell you where that is, but here’s a clue: It’s where babies are made. Sometimes). A 5 day transfer would take place approximately on December 22 and would make Christmas travel questionable, to be honest. A 3 day transfer would be more convenient but I am seriously counting my eggs before they hatch (HA!) so I am not going to worry about that now.

More on “higher order multiples”: I don’t think that Dr. K would transfer more than 3 embryos or blastocysts (at my age, it doesn’t make sense). He would transfer just one if that’s what we want. (Oh, and even if he does transfer 3 that does not mean I’d necessarily end up with 3 babies). Two is my limit, I think.

If I have more transferable embryos/blastocysts than I am able/willing to transfer, Dr. K’s office will freeze the extras for what is called an future FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer – if IVF #1 is unsuccessful. If we are successful with IVF #1 (what is called a “fresh” cycle) and end up with a child, I plan to donate the frozen embryos. It works like donor sperm or donor eggs.

If all of this works out (HA HA HA), the internet tells me that New Year’s Day 2010 is the first day a home pregnancy test would give me a reliable answer. The internet says that my first “beta” (pregnancy confirmation via blood test) would be January 2, 2010.

Anyway, that’s what I know or at least THINK I know. My mileage may vary and when I know more, I’ll tell more.