(Wait, water’s necessary to wash clothes? Boo, then).

Anyway, until Monday the water would eventually come out and I could do laundry (hooray!) but Monday, no water, no matter long I waited (and yes, I did wait 4 hours, thank you!). So the repairman came over this morning. Gene called me to let me know that the gizmo I mentioned above is the culprit and that a fancy one would be $100 and would require a day or two to order the part or a standard one would be $50 and the repairman could fix it right away.

And then Gene called back an hour later. The repairman suddenly doesn’t think it’s the gizmo after all. Instead, he thinks it’s the whatchamacalit or the doobamaflochie. The whatchamacalit is $50 and the doobamaflochie is $75. “Well, fercryingoutloud, order it!”

Bad news: While both of those items have existed somewhere in the history of Planet Earth, they are no longer available. Damn. (Washer is 10 years old, top loading, Maytag, love it dearly). Repairman says we can call Maytag and hope they have a spare part laying around – I can hear that conversation “Hello, Maytag. I need a part for my top loading washing machine. What kind is it? Ummm, white?” – or we can suck it up and go buy a new one.

(Oh, why why why why WHYYYYYY did I not just buy a new one during the 4th of July sales?)

(Yes, I know… if I had purchased a new washer, the problematic part in the old machine would have been readily available to the point where we could have built a washing machine out of a case of the part)

And in case you’re curious why I am relating this tale at midnight it’s for several reasons:

First, after we went to Lowes we limped across the street to Chick-Fil-A* and I got a large Diet Dr. Pepper.

Second, I am beating myself up for not getting one of those handy 10% Lowes coupons because I googled it and I could have combined the coupon with a price match of the identical machine at Home Depot (cheaper at HD but I don’t care for them) and saved $100 plus the price match. Arrrrgh. I was going to go to the post office at lunch and get one of those moving kits because that has the coupon inside, I hear.

* Do you think that in France they spell it Chic-Fils-A?

So anyway, I have a dilemma. At my new job, I will have 2 weeks of vacation a year (plus sick time and my birthday off). I start the job on 7/19. Gene still wants to go to Germany to visit his friend and his family. How on Earth do I ask for a week off less than two months into starting a new job? What if they say no? And say I can’t have the job after all? And then I end up with zero jobs?

I know the answer is I should call the HR director at the new company and talk to her about it but I am so very scared. When I had an interview with another company in March, they made it clear that I’d be lucky to have 5 consecutive days off anytime in the next year. New Employer seems more laid back than that but am I pressing my luck?

Ugh.

*More horrifying, I tried to spell the word “spell” as “spelle.”

Therefore, I give you the following:

Dear 20 Year Old LaineyD:

First of all, it’s sorely tempting to just write “RUN!” and call it a day, but I won’t. (Ditto “STAY OFF THE INTERNET!”). So, 13 years in the future, let me just say that there are things you don’t want at age 20 but you might want them later, so don’t be surprised when it happens (or not). Choose wisely because sometimes people say they want things but are actually big fucking liars.

Here’s a big “Don’t”: Don’t think you’re different from the others. You’re not. You’re just like them. Again, don’t be surprised when this happens. Try to reduce the smug/judgmental side of yourself just a hair, OK?

Strongly consider changing your major right now. Yeah, journalism sounds great – notice how you’re not actually practicing journalism at the collegiate level? If you don’t have the cajones to write for the school paper at Ball State, you’re never going to get it together to write professionally. Get a degree in something vaguely useable because you only get one gratis college degree (if you’re lucky, and you are). Try not to squander every opportunity and/or Get Out of Jail Free card that life hands you.

Speaking of jail, you know who is a very bad person. Try to remove that person from your life NOW. I know it sounds all glamorous, but, honey, he was 48 when we were 16. That’s not glam, that’s straight up chi-mo territory.

Turning 30 sucks just as much as you think it does – but soon you’ll see the rise of a group of women called “celebutantes.” The good news is that they’ll all turn 30, too. You’ll still be older than them but they’ll look older than you. You win.

Anyway, keep on with what you’re doing. In the absolute vast majority of ways, you’re doing fine. Here are some bits of gossip for you: Guess who’s been married two times (as of late May 2010)? No, really, guess! Yes, I KNOW! You take some bullets, you dodge some, I guess (so much for ditching the smug stuff, eh?). Oh, and go find 20 year old Brandy and tell her she’ll be driving a mini-van with her 3 babies inside. Exactly zero of them are fathered by Christian Slater, but it turns out she dodged a bullet too.

Much love,

LaineyD, Age 33

PS: Seriously. Stay off the internet. Unless you’re inventing something called Facebook, you should probably be studying anyway.

Dear Me,

I will stop looking at Las Vegas vacations if you’ll start keeping our cell phone in our purse so we can get calls from (  ::crosses fingers::  ) POSSIBLE FUTURE EMPLOYERS CALLING TO SCHEDULE A SECOND INTERVIEW for MONDAY, which is WEEKS EARLIER THAN THEY’D ORIGINALLY PLANNED.

Is your goal to take up residence at the soup kitchen?? DUHHH.

Love,

You

PS: The new suit is way cuter than the Stupid Suit. Well done.

“This is my stop!

Got to get off!

I may go pop!

Excuse me…excuse me!

I’ve got to beee dirrrrect!

If I’m wrong, please correct!

You’re standing on my neck!”

~Splendora, “You’re Standing on My Neck” (Daria main theme song)

(Why am I the only one singing??)

Anyway, so in another case of awesome begetting more awesome, my baby brother Macauley/Bill gave me the DVD collection for sketch comedy troupe The State as an Xmas gift last year and I finished the set the week before Gene and I went to Las Vegas. Fortunately, the previews at the start of one of the DVDs included an ad for the DVD collection for the equally awesome show Daria.

(Sidebar: Thank you Almighty D for the awesome birthday gift).

(Have I said “awesome” enough?)

Daria was on MTV in the 1990s and I feel pretty sure that the freaking awesome main character, Daria Morgendorffer, was me. She was sarcastic, funny and smart. Unlike me she didn’t spend all night on the internet talking to boys, but I assume that was artistic license. I have watched the first of the DVDs already and it feels like coming home. I also am concerned that this means that high school really was the best time of my life, but that has been a sneaking suspicion for awhile. Who knows, maybe my 70s will be great.

Dear Elaine,

Please stop looking at Las Vegas vacations. Your vacation is over. You were there for a freaking week. Yes, all the banner ads on all the websites you visit (at home AND at work…sigh) are for packages for the hotels but that does NOT mean that you should click on them. First of all, it’s a self perpetuating problem because clearly clicking on a banner just means you get more banners later. Second of all, you JUST were there! And finally, you need to go to Indiana, Arkansas and Germany this year. Not Las Vegas.

Say it with you: I Hate Las Vegas.

Much love,

You

(But I loooooove vacations).

2) Resist Googling “How to get stuff cheap in Las Vegas”

3) Process payroll Wednesday

4) Complete the exciting payroll process on Thursday and do as much of the Friday stuff as possible

5) Do laundry. Pack. (Buy small bag of dog food to take to kennel?) Remember hairbrush (it can’t be too hard to do this as I currently have between 1 and 3 hairbrushes in my purse right this moment). Also remember White Dog, multiple books, rolls of singles (or maybe not).

6) Dogs to kennel. Suitcase(s) in back of car. Check again for hairbrush(es).

7) Go to airport.

La la la la…last minute Las Vegas vacation w/ Gene (who has to work, like a sucker). Please don’t rob my house OK? The humans, the dogs and White Dog won’t be there so really, why bother? Take my xBox, please! (Kidding).

So, when I finally got my act together and begged Gwen for Friday and next week off, she asked what I was going to do. I told her it would be like Malaysia but I speak the language. (She said yes, BTW – really, she’s only about 40% heinous).

To Do List (Vegas):

1) Ride monorail?

2) Go to Vosges for chocolate. Mmmmm.

3) Read books.

4) Watch TV (OMG, television I have missed you).

5) Hopefully attend Maroon 5 concert (part of Gene’s conference) (Hope it is not really Maroon 6, a loving tribute to Maroon 5).

6) Write.

7) Sleep.

Penn & Teller?

9) Cirque du Soleil?

YAY!

OMG, what if Gwen won’t let me have the week off?

OMG, what if we price my flight and it’s like $1000?

I need a vacation!

Can I just up n’ quit my job and then I can have all the time off I want?

Well, if I do that I can’t have unemployment and I really will need that money when the employer finally gives up the ghost.

Why, WHY WHY WHY WHHHHHHYYYY did I not just fucking ask Gwen on Friday after I got Gene’s email? I had TWO perfect opportunities and I SQUANDERED THEM. Story of my fucking life!!!! Ugh, this chickenshit thing is going to be an expensive mistake.

The flight was $420 on Friday but now we’re less than a week until departure. $420 was bad enough but what if it’s doubled or more??????????

And what if it’s too expensive but Gene still has to fly there? It’s so awkward for him.

Ugh, if I only didn’t have this stupid job we could just drive out there.

I wish the money fairy would just drop a huge stack of cash on my doorstep so I wouldn’t worry about this. Sometimes (may Dave Ramsey strike me dead) I truly miss using credit.

That said, my birthday weekend w/ Mom feels like it happened months ago. I think that part of why I haven’t written lately is that I am still upset that Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. I mean, Northern Iowa??? That game happened when Mom was in town and we watched the last 10 or so minutes (on the laptop), cringing the whole time. We also watched the last few minutes of the Purdue game at the restaurant we went to for my birthday dinner.

We really had a great time and I feel bad that I haven’t written about it. (Hope your feelings aren’t hurt, Mom!) Mom loved IKEA (at least the meatballs) so much that we walked through it twice. Maybe two and a half times. We also walked all around the outlet mall another day and part of a regular mall another day.

I was pretty certain that I was going to dislocate a hip, we walked so much. (Oh, and we also walked the dogs on a long route through my neighborhood, which they loved). Mom, on the other hand, did all of that walking PLUS played with our Wii Fit PLUS walked on the treadmill. Seriously. One night we all went to bed and I hear noise upstairs in the guest room. The next morning Mom announces that she made her own Mii and played with the Wii Fit. We went to bed at midnight. Mom cannot be stopped!

(Thankfully she still helped us put major dents in the cakes plus once or twice a day she’d sit down with a mini cupcake or two. She is my mother after all!)

So, that was my birthday. (Except for the huge bag of bargain books from Books-A-Million that Mom and Dad got me for my birthday, which I am still working my way through and probably will be for awhile). (And!!!! My dad sent along a birthday present for me, which was a Fleetwood Mac concert poster that he found on eBay searching for Eric Clapton. That was such a sweet gift!)

Work is work – Stefania was out of the office all of last week so I was Accounts Payable for a week. I have more respect for her than I ever thought possible – how does she not drink at her desk every day??? Two days into last week I was ready to start stabbing people and by day four I begged Gwen to not make me help accounting anymore. (She said no. Grrrr). So, between the A/P Week and being off for Good Friday (ha! I worked from 9 am until 2 pm anyway) I am so. freaking. behind. (Seriously, Gwen, all I wanted was a few freaking days where I could focus on the awesome reports you make me put together so everyone can ignore them – is that so wrong?).

In entertainment news, Couples Retreat suuuucked. So disappointed. Vince Vaughn as a family man isn’t just fiction, it’s science fiction! I am embarrassed to admit it but I love to listen to the stupid pop station on the radio in hopes that they will play Lady Gaga or Ke$ha. Oh, and we have watched all three seasons of Arrested Development. The first season was great and the other two were not bad. And did I tell you I watched the first season of Californication using Netflix Instant Queue? I hope they put the other seasons on the Instant Queue because I really liked it.

And the dogs – Scooby had his annual vet visit today and – shocker! – he’s getting old. The vet said that one of his teeth may have to be pulled eventually. Beyond that, he is fine – good ears, no fleas, etc. The vet’s office is so fraking expensive. Booper is also doing well although she is slowing down a little too and we need to talk to the vet about her legs when she has her annual visit later this year. Love the puppies, so glad we have ‘em. There was a picture on the wall at the vet’s office of a whippet who was a patient there who lived for 15 years. It’s shocking to think that we adopted both dogs as puppies and now we’re almost halfway through the best case scenario, life wise.

Finally – tomorrow is Macauley/Bill and Michelle’s baby shower. (Wasn’t it like 3 weeks ago that you guys called and said “We’re pregnant! Don’t tell Mom!”). Unfortunately, I wa$ not able to attend but I sent a Chicco travel system in my place. (And a surprise dilly present, muah ha ha).

And, nothing new on the topics of Plan B or The Boy.

I am fine, hope you are too.

…I don’t want to wrap Xmas presents.

…Or send out Xmas cards.

…I almost cancelled our trip up north for Xmas. I didn’t, though, because I really really want to see my family. I even strong armed Gene (well, not strong armed) into visiting Indiana before Ohio because I would really like to see my beloved Aunt Lyn.

…All I really want to do is sit right here with White Dog on my lap. I need to get inspired to try and do a little writing but there is so much awesome stuff on the internet that I never get there.

…I have done most of my Xmas shopping (minus Gene’s best friend and D), so it’s practically easier to just keep moving forward.

…I am just not feeling Christmassy this year. Maybe it’s because I’m an atheist, LOL.