(Yes, I’m excited about a coupon for a spice shop. Leave me alooooone).

I know I purchased something from this deal of the day site last year but apparently they have implemented a ridiculously stringent password system in the last few months so I managed to lock out my Gmail account. Not to be dissuaded, I set up an account using my classy sounding email (elaine.lastname@internetprovider.com)….

And then somehow got locked out of that.

Ha ha! But Crazy Elaine reaaaally wanted the coupon to the spice shop so instead I set up ANOTHER account (yes, a THIRD account) with this stupid website using another version of my grownup email address (elaine.lastname@internetprovider.net – it’s the same as the other email, but different enough to count as a separate account to…)

Get locked out again! Of my third freaking account. And the way to get unlocked… get this…you have to contact the freakin’ deal of the day site and have them reset it. But they didn’t email me my password and username on the first request.

And then on the second request, they sent me the password but not username.

I tried the password with what I assumed was my username (also my email)…

and got locked out again.

I WANT MY DAMN TEN DOLLARS OF FREE SPICES, DAMMIT.

PS – turns out my username was the same as my Twitter ID. Sometimes the internet kicks my ass.

(Note to Self: Find Sam Neill wine and buy it!)

Hilariously, I just got a message from Twitter that he wants to follow ME on Twitter. Considering that any Tweet from my account currently is re: Amazon Instant Video (I whored out my account for a $5 Instant Video credit, and I’d do it again!), he’s going to be mighty disappointed!

Next weekend is Cheesecake State Tax Free Weekend so we’re considering waiting until then. Or later, as it’s not entirely a necessity but it’s definitely a big want.

I just checked Amazon.com and their price is actually the best since they don’t charge sales tax and they offer free shipping. I’m not ready to pull the trigger yet but I literally just felt my entire body relax.

(Loser!)

Yeah, I know, good luck right?

1) When school teachers misspell words on their Facebook updates. I really do fear for the future. I mean, holy cow, they aren’t updating their statuses in Latin for crying out loud. That said, I made about a dozen typos in the last 25 words, so whoops. Karma, you suck.

2) When married people share Facebook accounts. Dude, they’re free. You can each have your own, assuming that you don’t include in your profile that you’re “Married But Looking” or something.

What did it have for me?
“Fans of Kohl’s often ‘Like’ Walmart” – NO

“Fans of Kohl’s often ‘Like’ Toys R Us” – HELL NO

“Fans of Lands End often ‘like’ Sarah Palin” – WTF???

Wow, Facebook. You don’t know me at all, do you?

Therefore, I give you the following:

Dear 20 Year Old LaineyD:

First of all, it’s sorely tempting to just write “RUN!” and call it a day, but I won’t. (Ditto “STAY OFF THE INTERNET!”). So, 13 years in the future, let me just say that there are things you don’t want at age 20 but you might want them later, so don’t be surprised when it happens (or not). Choose wisely because sometimes people say they want things but are actually big fucking liars.

Here’s a big “Don’t”: Don’t think you’re different from the others. You’re not. You’re just like them. Again, don’t be surprised when this happens. Try to reduce the smug/judgmental side of yourself just a hair, OK?

Strongly consider changing your major right now. Yeah, journalism sounds great – notice how you’re not actually practicing journalism at the collegiate level? If you don’t have the cajones to write for the school paper at Ball State, you’re never going to get it together to write professionally. Get a degree in something vaguely useable because you only get one gratis college degree (if you’re lucky, and you are). Try not to squander every opportunity and/or Get Out of Jail Free card that life hands you.

Speaking of jail, you know who is a very bad person. Try to remove that person from your life NOW. I know it sounds all glamorous, but, honey, he was 48 when we were 16. That’s not glam, that’s straight up chi-mo territory.

Turning 30 sucks just as much as you think it does – but soon you’ll see the rise of a group of women called “celebutantes.” The good news is that they’ll all turn 30, too. You’ll still be older than them but they’ll look older than you. You win.

Anyway, keep on with what you’re doing. In the absolute vast majority of ways, you’re doing fine. Here are some bits of gossip for you: Guess who’s been married two times (as of late May 2010)? No, really, guess! Yes, I KNOW! You take some bullets, you dodge some, I guess (so much for ditching the smug stuff, eh?). Oh, and go find 20 year old Brandy and tell her she’ll be driving a mini-van with her 3 babies inside. Exactly zero of them are fathered by Christian Slater, but it turns out she dodged a bullet too.

Much love,

LaineyD, Age 33

PS: Seriously. Stay off the internet. Unless you’re inventing something called Facebook, you should probably be studying anyway.

Well, you can count me as one who joined in the last few years but was NOT fine. Boo, hiss! However, they had a neato thing where I could chat live with a real live technical person (I hope he was real, live and really named Ian) and “Ian” told me my version of PHP was old. Oh well. He fixed it. Yay “Ian”! Yay for never having to really troubleshoot tech stuff for my blog!