Unrelated thoughts:

After my job interview, I had to change out of my Stupid Suit (and I get to buy another suit if I have a second interview, shoot me now) so instead of being Not an Idiot and changing in a gas station bathroom I changed in the car. (For the record, the place I interviewed in was in an office park, the parking lot had a tall hedge and was mostly deserted – still, stupid!).

I heard Miley Cyrus’s song “Can’t Be Tamed” on the radio today. I think she’s cruising for a Britney Spears-style meltdown and marriage to a hobo. That’ll be fun to watch. Britney’s lucky to have a father who isn’t totally off the rails wacky, though. Will Billy Ray do the same? All signs point to “Duh, no.”

(And yes, these are the things I think about – stupid Top 40 radio station!)

I went to work after my interview and was there until about 12:30 or 1, when I packed it in and said “Yeah, still sick, can’t keep my eyes open, going home.” (And that’s another diva trick you can’t pull at a new employer’s). Came home, took a nap, feeling better. Downside: It’s midnight and I’m awake writing this.

So, today was a day I call SUPER PAYROLL WEDNESDAY. The workday started at 5 am. Ugh, I hate getting up early. And since sooooomeone insisted on watching all 55 hours of the Celebrity Apprentice finale show (despite knowing who won), I didn’t get to bed until after midnight.

And! Here’s something that I did that was extra dumb: So to get to work by 5, I had to be awake by 4 (as in, One Two Three OhFourTheLove it is too freaking early!). Our alarm clock has two settings – typically, I have one set for Tuesday-Friday and one set for Mondays of Doom (stupid Mondays). I set one of them for 4:00 am. And then, in a sleepy haze, I reset it for 5:00 am. (I meant to set one for 4, the other for 5).

Sigh. Imagine my surprise when I woke up out of cold sleep at 4:41 this morning. (Still made it to work by 5:15 – the first rule of Super Payroll Wednesday is we don’t talk about how I got from “just rolled out of bed” to “just rolled into work” in less than 45 minutes).

Here are some final thoughts (ha ha, final thoughts!) on Las Vegas:

First, your baby does not want to go to Las Vegas. Yeah, yeah, shark reef at Mandalay. Yeah, yeah, M&M store. Your. baby. does. not. want. to. hang. out. in. casinos. Las Vegas is the anti-Disney. It is the Unhappiest Place on Earth. (Seriously, what the fuck is your infant going to get out of a trip to Las Vegas? Get that baby home!)**

Second, if you – as adults, minus the kiddoes – go to Las Vegas, I strongly recommend staying in a non-gaming hotel. When Gene told me we were staying at the Renaissance, I kind of felt like we’d miss a part of the Las Vegas Experience. Instead, I feel it was totally worth it. Any time I got near the main entrance of any of the big hotels (MGM Grand, Mandalay Bay, etc) and saw that traffic was 6 cars deep, I was instantly glad that I didn’t have to get into that.

Third, the fountain show at Bellagio was totally worth it. I saw it three times – the last time was with Gene and the song was Frank Sinatra’s version of “Luck Be a Lady” from Guys & Dolls. Totally, completely, unequivocally awesome. (And free. And I love free stuff). I regret not seeing it after dark.

Fourth, In-N-Out Burger was delicious and so good. Every meal I ate, I was sure it was the best meal of the trip and then I’d eat another meal and think that that was the best meal. In-N-Out was good, definitely not the best (thank you Red Square…and the Bellagio buffet…and the turkey sandwich I ate poolside), but I will eat there again when I return in 12 more years.

* That is, unless Gene divorces me and I end up married to a man who wants kids. (what, TMI?)

** This message brought to you by the Sisterhood of Bitter & Judgmental Infertiles.

So, yesterday. Gene was supposed to have lunch and dinner with various people from the conference he’s here to attend. I decided to take the monorail to the stop for the Venetian, the Mirage and (I think) Treasure Island, see what there was to be seen and absolutely! not! walk! a lot! again! today! (Seriously, every day I have thought, ‘OK, I’m going to go out for an hour or two, have some lunch and then come back to read by the pool or maybe write a little’ and every damn day I have failed and returned, limping, to the hotel room about 6 pm).

Anyway, the Venetian – okay, I actually mean the Shops at the Venetian because if I don’t get to walk through a super fancy mall at least once per day the terrorists win. The Venetian shops are very nice (better than Miracle Mile shops at Planet Hollywood, not as nice as the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace, and still better than going to my job). The gondola rides looked cool but I didn’t feel like it. Other than that, you had your typical high end shops (is it a bad thing that I was no longer impressed by Louis Vuitton, etc? I really feel like it was becoming a drinking game – “Every time you see a store selling $500 sunglasses, take a drink from your 3 foot tall glass of margarita!”).

Anyway, I was in front of one of the stores when my phone beeped (I never hear it ring, but I always hear the voicemail beep). Gene was calling to see what I was doing for lunch and dinner. I called him back and he asked me to meet him at Mandalay at Noon. At that time it was 10:45. Only in Las Vegas is it completely possible to need nearly 90 minutes to make it a mile down the road. Gene called back at 11:45 and I was still 15 minutes away “Order a Diet Pepsi for me!”. (Mmmm, this entire town is a Pepsi town. Love it).

Lunch was sushi, which was good but not necessarily better than the sushi we get at the restaurant next to our house. Afterwards, we made reservations for dinner at 6. “What are you going to do until then?” Gene asked. “I think I’ll go back to the room and relax,” I said. “But first, I want gelato.” (There are more gelato places here than fancy sunglasses shops). I passed tons of ice cream places but no gelato places, so I ended up at Caesars, where I knew there was gelato.

The gelato was bad (it was just ice cream after all, and expensive too!), but I ate it sitting in front of the Michael Kors store there. I realized midway through that that I should use my money from the focus group on a bottle of the perfume I’ve wanted (Michael Kors Very Hollywood), so I did just that.

Did I mention that when I signed up for my Harrah’s Total Rewards card that they gave me $5 in free slot play? Did I mention that $5 in the slots does not last long? (Did I mention that I don’t like gambling? Yes, I think I did). So I did end up gambling, just a little. I didn’t realize that they’ve done away with the little tokens, which is a bummer. Ended up breaking even at Caesar’s (Being me, I played the quarter slots and the penny slots – what, did you think I was a high roller? I am not even a low roller!) after winning “big” at the “Dean Martin’s House Party” slots. (Thanks Grandma). I also managed to lose my Total Rewards card (sigh) but got it replaced. Tried (and failed) to get a pedicure at Harrah’s, so I continued my (slow, slooooooow) voyage back to Mandalay.

Also ended up playing a little bit at MGM, but ran like hell when I managed to end up ahead a little bit (I probably am the first person to gleefully cash out when I was up $10). By this point, my dogs were barking (did I mention that I wore my “cute” shoes yesterday? did I mention that my feet hurt before I boarded my first monorail yesterday?) so if I say that I limped all the way to dinner, I am not kidding. I took the tram to Mandalay and had one thought: “Socks – and will I get kicked out for walking around in socks with no shoes?”

I couldn’t find socks but I found Nirvana in the form of the “Flip Flop Shop”. Gene couldn’t believe I shelled out money for flip flops but if he’d seen how swollen my feet were…I literally had to be helped into them which says a lot.

Oh, and immediately afterwards I gambled a little bit more at Mandalay (still had time before Gene’s class let out) and ended up $62. Woohoo. While I waited for Gene (because, yes, I did run like hell after winning!) I talked to my sister in law, who is 5 days past due w/ my niece. No progress, but hopefully soon!

Today’s plans are…well, it’s nearly noon and I am still in the room, so I think I really will get that relaxing day here. Finally. (Plus, my monorail pass expired, I think, so I may just have room service).

Still no gambling, still no drinking. Still the dorkiest girl walking around Las Vegas. Woohoo! I had intended on getting out of the room by 9:30 (so I could enjoy a lovely buffet breakfast as part of my $35 all you can eat buffet pass) but ended up running late because I was entranced by this silver thing that makes noise. I think you call it a television, but I didn’t have use an XBox controller to work it, so maybe not.

Had an 11:45 am date. Here’s an interesting story: So yesterday while I’m at the MGM Grand, a lady gives me a ticket for “Television City,” a free thing where you can watch a TV show and tell the people what you think of it. I’m not actually sure how it works, because the people at the Television City desk instead asked if I was going to be around tomorrow (which is now today). I had nothing going on, so I said I would be around. Basically, instead of watching a TV show I got to be part of a very small focus group to discuss something. And for doing that (it took 2 hours), I was paid the handsome sum of $100.

Yes, I am the only person to come to Las Vegas, not gamble and actually come out ahead. (Without working as a hooker, that is).

After that, I ambled (via monorail, because I was! not! going! to! walk! a lot! today!) to Planet Hollywood and had their buffet for a late lunch. It was incredible. (So, yes, I think I did get my money out of the 24 hour buffet pass). And then I wandered around the Planet Hollywood mall (why???) and then when my feet fell off again, I got back on the monorail and came back to the hotel. My feet are done for the day!

Supposedly Las Vegas has 300 beautiful days a year, but I think today (or at least right now) may not be one of them. In looking out the window of my hotel room (with its view of the Hilton, the Stratosphere, and if I stand all the way to the right I can see Encore by Wynn) I just noticed that I can also see mountains in the distance. Hmm.

After about 4 days, their feet fall off.

(I take that back: I am pretty sure my mom could do all the walking I have done today and then go run a mini marathon. As you know, my mother cannot be stopped).

Yesterday: Kicked Gene out of the hotel room to go to his class. Later, Gene comes back to the hotel and we have lunch at a Mexican restaurant in Mandalay Bay (Shrimp tacos = delicious). I decided I was up for an adventure, so after Gene and I parted ways at Mandalay, I start walking. And walking. And then I walk some more just to prove a point.

The map from the hotel claims I only walked about 1.5 miles but I know it was more like 50. Here is a map of the Las Vegas strip so you can follow my adventure. I started at Mandalay (#1 on the monorail map), then walked the strip (all the time thinking “I bet in about 8 hours a hooker will be walking where I’m walking now”) to the Luxor (#2). Proceeded to gawk like the Mayor of Hick City (“Gawwwleee, we ain’t got a pyramid you can live in where I’m from!”).

Honestly, I can’t remember if I went into the Excalibur (#3) or not because I walked through about 20 hotel/casinos in the last 2 days and they are a blur. (Seriously, each of them has a Starbucks, a hot dog place, 50 places where you can buy a 3 foot tall glass of frozen margarita and 11 trillion slot/video poker machines). Next: New York New York (#8) and the MGM Grand (#6) for reasons I can no longer remember.

Saw the Bellagio (lucky #13) down the street, decided it “wasn’t far” and that I’d go there next. Watched the fountains and talked to Mom. (Saw the fountains again today and they did their routine to a recording of “All That Jazz”). Remembered that I wanted to go to Caesar’s Palace and it “wasn’t far” even though my feet were tired and I was definitely getting dehydrated (I knew this because I had considered asking the tourist pushing the Bugaboo stroller to hold my purse so I could jump in the Bellagio fountain).

Walk walk walk walk waaaaaaalk. Finally make it to Caesar’s (#18) and join their club (so I could get a $5 discount on their all day buffet pass – they also gave me $5 of free slot play which I have yet to use). The other thing I wanted to accomplish at Caesars (and in fact, the only thing I really wanted to do in Las Vegas entirely) was to find the Vosges Haut Chocolate store in the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace (#23 – and the fact that the hotel and the mall are different numbers on the map should have been a clue!).

(Fun fact: Actually, they are entirely different stops on the monorail, too).

Proceeded to walk through a mall (“The Forum Shops in the same state as Caesar’s Palace”) so fancy that they should not have let the likes of me in. Walked past 10 or more Louis Vuitton stores (more about that later), which is impressive since there are only 6 in all of Nevada. Perhaps I actually walked to a neighboring state. (That explains a lot). Found Vosges and bought chocolate (yes, I did). Nearly delirious, I ask the cashier (a hippie who I’d disturbed from writing in his dream journal and who clapped every time I selected a chocolate) where do I go to get a taxi. Right before I walked out the doors to the taxi stand I found a Mexican restaurant and bought a huge Diet Coke to go.

I think the taxi driver thought I was a drunk the way I slumped in my seat and desperately sipped at my gigantic (non-see thru) cup. Limped up to the room, headachy, filthy and d.o.n.e. Popped two Aleve and ended up taking a bubble bath and felt restored, albeit wrinkly.

Dinner was In-n-Out Burger, a fast food restaurant. (I explained to Gene that people out here love In-n-Out the way I love White Castle and he wasn’t in the mood for a fussy meal anyway).

Stefania: Don’t talk to any strange people in Las Vegas!

Me: But what if Robert Redford shows up and offers Gene $1 million for a night with me?

D: I cannot believe how quickly that came out of your mouth.

Something crazy that happened at Cheesecake City International Airport (& Bait Shop):

So, I’m sitting at our gate for our flight to (city in Texas). I’m watching our carry on luggage while Gene handles an issue and I realize, “I recognize that voice.” I turn around and who is it? It’s the CEO/Chairman of my employer (a/k/a “The man who bankrupted a company”). (Remember, my employer is fairly small, around 1500 employees, so it’s not like if Gene saw the CEO of Schmulett Schmackard. The CEO knows me).

Ugh. But I had to talk to him (even though he didn’t see me first, which is usually the only time I talk to people I know). The voice in my head said “DO NOT WHACK HIM ON THE HEAD AND ASK ‘HOW dare YOU???”.  So, instead we exchanged a moment of breezy conversation and then I moved our carry on bags far far away. And then I called our company’s administrative assistant and told her and she said she would have felt so bad if we’d been on the same flight. (We were on the 1 pm flight, he was on the 12 pm flight).

The flight to (city in Texas) was uneventful and we got there about 2 pm (?). The next flight to Las Vegas left at 3:45 but we were to be on the 6 pm flight to Las Vegas. I suspect we could have got on the standby list for the earlier flight and I KNOW I wish we had because our 6 pm flight ended up leaving about 10 pm due to bad weather in Texas. (Seriously, even the storms are bigger in Texas).

So, we got to Las Vegas at about midnight (in whatever time zone of the damned I’m in now) and then the line at the car rental counter (the company’s name rhymes with “Schmavis” and I HATE them) was about 30 deep. The line at the car rental company next door was about 2 deep, so Gene had me ask if they had a car for a member of their Gold Club (this company’s name rhymes with “Schmertz” and I LOVE them and told them so). Of course they do! Here is our price – $350 for the week. That sounds awesome until I realize that our rate at “Schmavis” is less than $200. So instead, I send Gene over and (as they say here) badda bing, badda boom, “Schmertz” got us into a VW Jetta for about $200 for the week with free “Never Lost” (which, as my Mom will tell you, is my absolute favorite thing ever – but that’s only because she hasn’t been with me in a rental car with satellite radio).

YAY. And then we got to the hotel (but not THE Hotel because that costs approximately a trillion dollars and does not give us Marriott points) and we get a room on the Club level (Club level = free internet and free breakfast and free cocktails and free desserty stuff and happy Elaine!) and then I hit a jackpot:

All night room service. Truffle french fries (mmmmmm). Cheesecake.

(Okay, I used the grocery store brand non-digital first but I threw away the box when I cleaned out the bathroom so I wasn’t entirely sure what the result was, so I *had* to bring out the big gun).

(Oh, and the CBE digital said “Hell No!”)

(Here’s an idea: funny pregnancy tests – the results are “thumbs up” for positive or the middle finger for negative)

(It would be PERFECT. The first pregnancy test for people who can’t understand the regular tests and are illiterate and can’t read the regular digitals)

(Then again, some people take these tests hoping to not be pregnant, so maybe this would have to be marketed to illiterate infertiles, which is an awfully small group)

So, thank you for listening to my TMI tale, dear blog readers. I don’t think Gene would have understood (“Well of COURSE you’re not pregnant!”) – it’s just that Hope is awfully beguiling with the “You never know!” stuff.

Directly (!!!) from the Internal Revenue Service’s website:

Why report tips to your employer?

You must report tips to your employer so that:

Your employer can withhold federal income tax and

social security and Medicare taxes or railroad retirement tax

(Right there! HA! In yo’ face, Tax Professional Ol’ Biddy!)

Background: on a W-2 form, for some reason, tips and wages are separated out for Social Security (i.e., if your taxable wages were $5000 for the year, there will be a box that says that your Social Security wages were $1000 and Social Security tips were $4000).

So, I got a call today from a tax preparer (not an employee of ours, not H&R Block, but a real live tax professional) complaining that we had to refund Suzy Server $400 in Social Security tax because we had withheld too much and we also had to print an amended W-2 for Suzy.

(I get this one a lot although I always act surprised when it comes up so the caller doesn’t feel dumb).

(Avg. number of times I get this question per year = 5. Avg number of times I’m wrong and have to refund anything and print an amended W-2 = 0).

(Oh, and for the record I do not do my own taxes. Our former neighbor is a CPA so once a year I drive to his office and shove an envelope of stuff in his mailbox).

Anyway, back to my tale. Tax professional insists – inSISTS – that we were not to have deducted Social Security from the tip portion of Suzy’s earnings. She knows so because Turbo Tax says so.

What kind of tax professional doesn’t know this because she’s a tax professional and but because a computer program tells her so. (Ugh, there is probably some hypocrisy in that sentence, but I’ll let you find it). “I can file it but they’ll reject it!” she tells me super huffily.

At this point I feel terrible for our employee, who just wants to get her damn refund, but made the mistake of entrusting her tax preparation to a tax professional who apparently knows not a damn thing about taxes. Really unfortunate. I feel like I should try to call the employee and say “Get away from this lady! You will end up in biiiig trouble!” But all I tell The Professional is “We have withheld appropriately,” which is true.

(Really. I had this same scenario crop up last week – not with a Professional but with a regular person like you or me –  and I managed to explain to her the concept of adding SS wages to SS tips, so why can’t a real live Tax Professional “get” it?)