Actually, let me start this way: Twenty years ago my family had a dachshund named Max and he had a lump in his crotch. It was a lymphoma and Mom and Dad spent a lot of time and money getting Max the best treatment possible, including a stint of treatment at the Purdue University Animal Hospital. This prolonged his life for many years.

So anyway, Betty has a lump on her face. I took one look at her and freaked the fuck out (on the inside), remembering Max with his tumors and Mom driving all the way from Indianapolis to West Lafayette and wondering how the hell am I going to make that happen from here? We (ahem) set a limit of $1000 on such treatments for the dogs so yikes!

Betty’s lump is under her left eye, so I Googled “lump under dog’s eye” and two sites said it was most likely an abscess. Since no one said, “Hey, there are huuuge lymph nodes under a dog’s eyes” I stopped worrying.

She and I went to the vet’s office today and I swear I saw Betty’s life flash in front of my eyes when the doctor felt her lymph nodes. I literally exhaled with relief when she called the all clear. “I know what you were looking for,” I told the vet.

I am so glad…Betty does have an abscess, but hopefully two weeks of antibiotics will cure it as well as cure the death breath she has going right now.

Anyway, one day in early 2004, I was reading the Sunday newspaper. I took a look at the Pets for Sale section in the classifieds and saw that someone was selling a beagle. I wanted to call about that dog but I never did. I didn’t want to call on Sunday because people are funny about Sundays. I didn’t want to call during the day because I was at work, didn’t want to call at night because what if they were eating dinner? And then, darn, it was too late to call. If I’d been braver we might have an entirely different dog.

But instead I found petfinder.com and found a rescue group near us. I don’t really remember how we decided upon beagles as a breed, but this rescue group had a beagle. Beagle mix, actually. When I spoke to the lady who ran the rescue group, she repeated herself multiple times that this dog was only a beagle mix (which we could tell just by his record on Petfinder).

So Gene and I went to the vet’s office that the rescue group housed their rehoming effort out of and saw the dog – Scooby. We couldn’t get the attention of the lady who ran the rescue so we looked at the other dogs she had that day. She had a pen of four or five younger dogs and we saw one of those we liked. While we were admiring the other dog, I saw another interested party take Scooby out of his pen and take him for a walk around the grassy lot. A few minutes later I looked back and Scooby was back in his pen and the other interested parties were gone They had rejected him. Remembering that makes me sad even today. Not that I would have wanted these other people to decide on Scooby, but that someone rejected my dog. Jerks. We took Scooby to Petsmart before we went home and he was so timid that I had to put him in a shopping cart to get him around the store.

Everything was grand with Scooby, although my heart broke every time I had to put him in his kennel (a travel kennel – we didn’t know any better, although of course we do now). And I have written before about going completely crazy the first time I had to take him to the vet’s office to be boarded (here’s a clue: if you rescue a dog, especially an anxious one, don’t take him to a crappy kennel in the first month).

But, something was missing. We found that something after owning Scooby for about two months. Her name was Betty and she was gorgeous. We loaded up Scooby in my car and drove to the kennel (the rescue group had moved its home base). The lady who ran the rescue group recognized us and Scooby and showed us Betty, apologizing for her not having a collar (“one of the other dogs ate it off her” – uh huh, one of the other dogs!).  So we did the same thing again and took her to Petsmart (in the travel kennel since she didn’t have a collar and hadn’t had her rabies vaccination yet).

And then we all went home and it all was like it was supposed to be. And six years later, the two of them run the house.

That said, my birthday weekend w/ Mom feels like it happened months ago. I think that part of why I haven’t written lately is that I am still upset that Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. I mean, Northern Iowa??? That game happened when Mom was in town and we watched the last 10 or so minutes (on the laptop), cringing the whole time. We also watched the last few minutes of the Purdue game at the restaurant we went to for my birthday dinner.

We really had a great time and I feel bad that I haven’t written about it. (Hope your feelings aren’t hurt, Mom!) Mom loved IKEA (at least the meatballs) so much that we walked through it twice. Maybe two and a half times. We also walked all around the outlet mall another day and part of a regular mall another day.

I was pretty certain that I was going to dislocate a hip, we walked so much. (Oh, and we also walked the dogs on a long route through my neighborhood, which they loved). Mom, on the other hand, did all of that walking PLUS played with our Wii Fit PLUS walked on the treadmill. Seriously. One night we all went to bed and I hear noise upstairs in the guest room. The next morning Mom announces that she made her own Mii and played with the Wii Fit. We went to bed at midnight. Mom cannot be stopped!

(Thankfully she still helped us put major dents in the cakes plus once or twice a day she’d sit down with a mini cupcake or two. She is my mother after all!)

So, that was my birthday. (Except for the huge bag of bargain books from Books-A-Million that Mom and Dad got me for my birthday, which I am still working my way through and probably will be for awhile). (And!!!! My dad sent along a birthday present for me, which was a Fleetwood Mac concert poster that he found on eBay searching for Eric Clapton. That was such a sweet gift!)

Work is work – Stefania was out of the office all of last week so I was Accounts Payable for a week. I have more respect for her than I ever thought possible – how does she not drink at her desk every day??? Two days into last week I was ready to start stabbing people and by day four I begged Gwen to not make me help accounting anymore. (She said no. Grrrr). So, between the A/P Week and being off for Good Friday (ha! I worked from 9 am until 2 pm anyway) I am so. freaking. behind. (Seriously, Gwen, all I wanted was a few freaking days where I could focus on the awesome reports you make me put together so everyone can ignore them – is that so wrong?).

In entertainment news, Couples Retreat suuuucked. So disappointed. Vince Vaughn as a family man isn’t just fiction, it’s science fiction! I am embarrassed to admit it but I love to listen to the stupid pop station on the radio in hopes that they will play Lady Gaga or Ke$ha. Oh, and we have watched all three seasons of Arrested Development. The first season was great and the other two were not bad. And did I tell you I watched the first season of Californication using Netflix Instant Queue? I hope they put the other seasons on the Instant Queue because I really liked it.

And the dogs – Scooby had his annual vet visit today and – shocker! – he’s getting old. The vet said that one of his teeth may have to be pulled eventually. Beyond that, he is fine – good ears, no fleas, etc. The vet’s office is so fraking expensive. Booper is also doing well although she is slowing down a little too and we need to talk to the vet about her legs when she has her annual visit later this year. Love the puppies, so glad we have ‘em. There was a picture on the wall at the vet’s office of a whippet who was a patient there who lived for 15 years. It’s shocking to think that we adopted both dogs as puppies and now we’re almost halfway through the best case scenario, life wise.

Finally – tomorrow is Macauley/Bill and Michelle’s baby shower. (Wasn’t it like 3 weeks ago that you guys called and said “We’re pregnant! Don’t tell Mom!”). Unfortunately, I wa$ not able to attend but I sent a Chicco travel system in my place. (And a surprise dilly present, muah ha ha).

And, nothing new on the topics of Plan B or The Boy.

I am fine, hope you are too.

Hmm. What was I going to write about? (Fortunately, the Googling of “Dolly Parton Pee Wee Herman” took my mind off my previous post).

(Pause while I jog my memory)

(So glad I did not just Google “Dolly Parton Pee Wee” because I suspect those results are gross).

Oh, right. The lady at the groomer asked us if we wanted a third beagle. Another of her clients needs to find a new home for the dog and supposedly the dog is very sweet. I told her that I didn’t think so, but if worst came to worst, to keep us in mind.

Surprisingly, Gene was up for discussing the third dog thing. If we ever adopt a third, I would want another beagle, preferably a mix. Even more preferably a mix like Betty because she is such fun to cuddle with. (She put her head on my shoulder and fell asleep – who can resist that?). Right now is not the right time, though. I think maybe we’ll look into it after we go visit our friends in Germany. Boarding two dogs is crazy, but three is even crazier.

Today I go to Petco’s website and the same doggone (ha ha) stuff is $42. A difference of $20! That is just stupid! So then I get really aggravated and went to Bing.com (the tantalizing home of Bing Cashback) and searched for Frontline Plus.

Whee! Drugstore.com has it on sale. Plus 20% Bing Cash Back.

So, my choices were: 1.5 months from Petco for $62, 1.5 months from Petco.com for $42 OR…(I love this!) 3 months from Drugstore.com for $71 before 20% Bing Cashback. Minus 20% = $57. WOOOHOOO! I got more than double for my money. YAY!

And yes, I did return the original package to Petco. The cashier told me they’d price match their own website (???!!!!) but that I’d have to bring them a printout for the difference. From their own website!

Meanwhile, Betty knows “leave it!” (she will leave it even when we put a treat on her head…!), “roll over,” etc and will do any of these commands for a treat. Scooby… he knows “sit” and “down.” Oh, and when I want him to jump up in my recliner with me, he won’t jump up until after I offer to let Betty sit with me.  I’m not sure, but I think perhaps Scooby thinks this is a game. Or else he really does not want Betty to sit with me.

Anyway, long story (not at all) short, Gene finally got Scooby to roll over. He does it grudgingly but he’ll do it. Yay! I told Gene (possibly using my “Scooby” voice – I’ll never admit it) that Scooby’s an old dog and he has a new trick.

(Oh, and if you say “beat it!” he will also run far far away).

In better news, the Great Black and Brown Hunter (a/k/a Betty) killed a rabbit today. And left it behind my chair. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Fortunately, Gene handled disposal. Eek.

And in TRULY better news: Gene got a phone call yesterday from a lady reporting that she had our dogs – black and brown dogs – and that one of them was badly injured. The dogs had tags from the suburb’s police department. They had the same personalized collars (with names and phone #s) that Betty & Scooby have. (That is, the collars had OUR phone #s on them, just different dog names).

“M’am,” Gene says, “I can see my dogs right here.”
How did these impostor dogs get collars with our phone # on them? Weird! I hope the injured dog is safe, but I am enough of an asshole to admit that I am glad the dogs were not ours. When I got home (the lady called 3 minutes before I leave work), Gene was lying in the dog bed, holding both dogs like his life depended on it. (Awwwwwwwww).

Whenever we discuss moving away from Cheesecake City, my first thought is, “Can the dogs come, too?” (actually, it’s “If the dogs can’t come, I’m staying here”) but when I dreamed this one up, I didn’t actually remember owning dogs until I walked back into the bedroom and…huh. Dogs. I wonder if year round 90 degree climate would be good for Scooby’s allergies?

(And how was YOUR weekend?)

Anyway. So, we dropped the dogs off and headed out of town to go to a chili cookoff in a small town a few counties away. After awhile on the highway, we decide to take country roads to our destination. After awhile on the country roads, we decide that since we are headed that direction anyway, we should stop off and say hello to Blanche.

Except, remember the last time we tried this and got so lost we ended up in a neighboring state? Yeah. Thanks to Hertz NeverLost, we had good directions to the funeral home but we couldn’t remember the name of the church she’s buried in (so sue me – it was something or other Baptist church and you can’t throw a beanbag without hitting a half dozen Baptist churches down here).

Eventually, we find it. We check out her gravestone, leave some flowers, and proceed to take off, possibly to try and find Gene’s late father’s burial site (which we knew was in a VA cemetery about 20 minutes away, although we would have been lost once we got there!). Oh, and by this time it is 11:30 or so and I haven’t eaten a thing all day. I am famished. And thirsty.

So, we start to drive down this little two lane road (is it a two lane road when there is one lane for each direction?) and I look over and see…uhoh. A stray dog. Remember Awesome-O? Awesome-O II? Awesome-O III? Well, we had us (hee) another Awesome-O. She was friendly. She had a decrepit collar on but no tags. She came right up to us and was IN the car about 20 seconds later. 

So, the city we’re in? Is one of the 10 poorest in the entire United States (CNN tells me so). There are no rescue groups and the one and only vet’s office that was open scanned the dog and said she wasn’t chipped so they couldn’t try and find her owners. “But hey, you may have found yourself a new dog!”

(Umm, NO).

So eventually we get the city cops involved…who call the county sherriff’s office involved (because the dog was found outside city limits, it’s a county issue)…who finally get animal control to show up. And that lady put that cute little dog in the back of her truck (the kind with crates, like you see on Animal Cops) and thanked us and drove off. And I’m pretty sure that Awesome-O IV went to live on a farm for the rest of her days. 

(It’s 3 PM by this point)

We wandered through the chili cookoff area, which had devolved into a few carts selling drinks, candy apples, etc but the chili was gone On the bright side, we got to the hotel (which is why we could not have kept A-IV), got the grime off of us, relaxed, watched a little TV, went to a really good dinner and then watched a little more TV.

And now we’re home and back to regular life. So regular, in fact, that I am going to go fold laundry. The joy of grownup life.

PS: I am including this under the “Sweet Things My Husband Has Done” tag because, even though he’s beating himself up for wasting the early afternoon trying to get a dog (who we may or may not have accidentally stolen, per the cops) someplace safe, it was still done with a good heart. If it had been Betty or Scooby, they would have been lucky to find a stranger like him.