The Cheesecake is Rich

(Ha ha, yes, I said blessings…shut up)

So, things at work are getting a little different. Right now things are a little worse but they’re on the road to getting way better.

We have a new girl on our team. Yay! She is unbelievably new to our industry so we have to teach her everything. Actually, I have to teach her everything. She can barely use the software and Boss Belinda told me today that even her skills with Excel are limited.

(Where do they FIND these people? Aren’t there ANY qualified payroll people masochistic enough to jump into Big Payroll at the craziest time of the year? HR gave us a song and dance about finding the right person…just how awful were the wrong people?)

Anyway, today’s training with New Girl was:

1) Showing her how to input payroll for 3 people. Not 3 clients, 3 people. We got interrupted by two different clients calling in their stuff. The goal was that she’d then input the stuff but no such luck.

2) Shipping out 40+ payrolls.

3) Showed her where the copier/fax was. And then the CEO walked past while we were waiting for the copier/fax (the worst piece of equipment in the entire office) to reboot, while we were discussing dogs with the girl from tax who rescues dogs. Damn, damn, damn. (Seriously, it was 6:30 and the CEO is usually out the door by 5! Argh!)

I have learned that I am a terrible trainer and awful at letting go. New Girl is going to get to do the easy stuff while I’m back on the phones and boo hiss, I want to keep doing the easy stuff.

In other news…

1) I broke the hell out of a fingernail about two months ago (while opening a case of Cherry Pepsi), damaging the nail bed. Today the rest of the nail fell off so now my right middle finger looks like a horror show. Awful.

2) Gene’s out of town, it’s 10 PM and he hasn’t called. Other hilarity during this ridiculously long trip includes The Time His Female Coworker Answered His Cellphone and The Time A PowerPoint Slide Had Gene’s Last Name Listed as Same As Female Coworker’s.

3) Dr. Hottie called in a prescription for Crazy Pills for Elaine so now I can officially fire Dr. Always Late. Strike that, I fired him last week. Yay! Now to file the insurance claims to get back some of the ridiculous money that I have paid Dr. Always Late.

4) I had a spontaneous phone interview today with a company located about a quarter mile from my current employer. They use a software package that I’ve never heard of but could it really be any different from the 4 different packages I’ve already used? They didn’t blanche at my salary ballpark. I may escape from the Isle of Big Payroll yet.

Saturday I worked from 10-5 and then went to Target (yeah, some boycott…).  I made it home about 7:40, took an Ambien soon after and woke up sprawled on the dog bed in the living room about midnight.

Sunday, I went to the mall with Denise and bought some cute clothes and went out for Mexican food.

The rest of the weekend was Netflix and a little laundry. Whoops, forgot to clean the house.

I’m having one of those moments where I wish we still used credit cards because I would go crazy buying things that I want and may or may not actually need. Cute boots (Elaine, but you don’t WEAR boots, you idiot!), goorrrrgeous handbag (Elaine, you need another purse like you need a hole in your damn head). Is there anything more ridiculous than the idea of me with $200 boots, an (gulp) $800 purse, ill-fitting pants with wonky zipper and a pilly $7 Old Navy t-shirt? No!

Bah. I’m going to go move laundry around and get the hell away from the twin demons of Shoebuy and Bag Borrow or Steal. I should probably disconnect the internet altogether and hide my cell phone. And debit card. And car keys.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

The only thing I can think of is that I really started to follow Twitter. I don’t Tweet that often but it’s very interesting. Ooh, and I also started texting. I love my smartphone!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
So apparently my 2011 resolutions were to dress nicer, embrace Tough Love and have more fun. And get my super awesome certification. I think I’m 1 for 4, although I’m doing better about the Tough Love thing. My 2012 resolutions are to read more books and worry less.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My boss did, but we’re not close. Fingers crossed for anyone hoping for a 2012 baby!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I got this one wrong last year, but in 2011 I’m pretty sure that no one close to me passed away.

5. What countries did you visit?
I am marooned in the Isle of Big Payroll but I did not visit any non-imaginary countries.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

2011 was mostly a non memorable year for me, but let’s go with October 4, the day I got my certification. I think. It may have been the 3rd or the 5th but it was definitely October.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I received my super hard payroll certification. We also adopted Sadie Pot Pie.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I fail at something every day so it’s pretty hard to determine which one is biggest.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A near constant sinus infection in July and August.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Sadie Pot Pie. And Silver Dog. And the smartphone. Ooh, and my Ugg Cardis. Love them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gene’s, for making amazing progress. I am so proud of him and I really think that the last 4 years (which have ranged from hard to fucking impossible) have made us closer.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone’s ex-something. Stupid whore. (Same answer since at least 2008)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Visa (and it’s paid off, WOOT), and a puta estupida (May 2012 is coming, bitch! Save. Your. Pennies).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My awesome blue pedicure.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

That Pumped Up Kicks song. Some of the radio stations here censor the words “Gun” and “Bullet”.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Sadder maybe, but it’s just part of the anxiety I’m trying to fix.

18. Thinner or fatter?

Fat fat fat fat fat. I think I weigh 900 lbs. But I have been informed that I have low triglycerides, which I understand is a good thing, so yay!

19. Richer or poorer?
In my mind I feel one of them but in reality it’s the other. We’re doing OK but not “Elaine can be a housewife” OK.

20. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I’d taken more time off. The new job’s policy on vacation is that we can roll over up to 40 hours from year to year but not sick time and I have 20 hours that I didn’t use. Sad. Stupid healthy Elaine.

21. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Freaking the F out about work stuff when I’m supposed to be sleeping.

22. How will you be spending Christmas? Xmas 2011: at home, just Gene and I and the dogs. We’re making a standing rib roast on Christmas eve and then going to the movies on Xmas day.

23. Did you fall in love in 2011?

No

24. Any one night stands?

Nothing new on the nightstand front…but we did paint our bedroom and replace our ceiling fan.

25. What was your favorite TV program?

Gossip Girl, Ringer, Community. I’m kind of done with Glee.

26. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No one new, although I am not a Fan of My Boss.

27. What was the best book you read? OMG, the Hunger Games trilogy. I am SO stoked for the first movie, which is being released the day after my birthday in 2012. YAY.

28. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I don’t think I had any newly discovered music. I’m still listening to a lot of Top 40 but my The Very Best of Don Henley CD gets some play too sometimes.

29. What did you want and get?
My pretty new cardy Ugg boots, my bedroom repainted

30. What did you want and not get?
While I wouldn’t have refused a baby, I also didn’t get to go to Vegas in November. Oh well. Maybe next year?

31. What was your favorite film of this year?
Bridesmaids.

32. What did you do on your birthday?
Worked until only 6:15 (HUGE!), had sushi for dinner with Gene, hung out with Denise that Saturday.

33. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
GETTING PREGNANT. It never, ever goes away. Seriously, the year I turn 60 I’ll still think, “Huh, I really thought 2037 would be my year…” I wrote this in last year’s year in review but it’s still true. I had a ‘scare’ in November but that’s all it was.

34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Lame. Other than my cute new boots, I am so shlumpy, it’s ridiculous. I think I’ll order new black shoes in January. (Edited: Frickin fraking budget. Maybe February).

35. What kept you sane?
This hasn’t actually been the sanest of years so I’m going to leave it at that.

36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Blah blah blah Henley c. 1991.

37. What political issue stirred you the most?
None, I’m not even remotely interested in politics. Well, I’m still annoyed that Congress or the President or whoever won’t extend the Social Security tax cut for one more *&^#ing month so Big Payroll won’t tear their hair out over it.

38. Who did you miss?
The Boy. The Boy. The Boy. And Blanche. And Grandma.

39. Who was the best new person you met?
I don’t recall meeting many new people, but I did meet a new puppy (Sadie!)

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

A good mental health professional is worth their weight in gold; a bad one is just burning money.

41. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I’d figured out, I have to learn again

(Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter)

So, here’s what I did on my Xmas Long Weekend

(WAHOO I HAD THREE DAYS OFF FROM WORK…BOO-YA!!!)

(Srsly, did I tell you that I almost cried when I found out I had 12/26 off from work?)

Anyway.

12/23: Only had to work until 5. Stayed until 5:09 – I win! Gene and I went to dinner at our favorite local restaurant and grocery shopped for Christmas (eve) dinner

12/24: Baked pineapple upside down cake. Had a liiiittle problem transferring the cake from the cast iron skillet to the platter. I would like a round platter bigger than my skillet. We had greater success with the sweet potato casserole and rib roast and dinner was super mega delicious.

12/25: Xmas Day! Talked to my family and saw Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and Sherlock Holmes in the theater across the street from the house. At some point, I folded some laundry. Yes, we are the most festive atheists you’ve ever met.

12/26: The world re-opens! Yay! Gene and I had breakfast @ Bob Evans and later I went to the mall for tennis shoes to replace the pair I lost. About 20 minutes after returning (shoes in hand), I found the shoes, hiding on a dining room chair. Sigh. I’m keeping the new shoes though. Pffht.

12/27: Back to work. Worked 10 (bleepity-bloppity) hours today. Gene’s temporarily out of town so I’m lounging on the sofa with the dogs, watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix. Gene’s on his way home now, which is good because Boss Belinda has opened the overtime floodgates and I fully intend to take advantage. Yay.

So, here is a sample of what I’ve been up to this month:

1) We had our bedroom repainted and now it’s a beautiful blue color. The doors and windowsills are a warm creamy color (that looks a tinny bit pinkish in some lights).

2) The other night I came home and the guy from the lighting store was finally at our house to install our new ceiling fan. The previous model was a DIY install and it always wobbled. The new fan has a rock solid install and no wobbling. I didn’t grow up with ceiling fans but they sure are wonderful.

3) In the last 2 weeks I worked over 6 hours of OT. I may or may not hear about this from Boss Belinda next week. Jorge (who owns my employer) ‘gave’ us 2 hours of OT las week, but the other 4 hours are…mmm, not previously approved. I did get a lot done though, and didn’t do any work without being clocked in.

4) Yesterday I had my second appointment with my psychiatrist. He sucks. Two weeks ago, my appointment was @ 1 and he didn’t call me back to his office until 1:20. Yesterday, my appointment was @ 1:30 and he didn’t call me back until at least 1:45. I wrote on Facebook (during the wait for the doctor) that if all doctors (in this case, psychiatrists) in your area have no availability and you find a doctor who can see you in two days, you should run the eff away. The cost is roughly equal to what I net in a day of work and the take away from yesterday was “Keep taking the Celexa and try cutting your Ambien in half”. I have invested enough in this fuckery that I could have had a rocking set of highlights and an extra haircut too. I think I will ask Dr. Hottie to write me a prescription for Celexa and cancel on Dr. Late-all-the-time.

5) Seriously. The first time I met him he was running late because he was at lunch. So then don’t make a fugging appointment if you can’t keep it, dumbass.

6) Either the new laptop or the new version of WordPress now has auto correct. “Fugging” became   “hugging”, which is absolutely not true.

7) Tomorrow Gene and I are cooking Christmas Eve dinner for the two of us: standing rib roast, mashed potatoes, rum and sweet potato casserole and pineapple upside down cake.

A week or so ago we dropped off the Christmas gifts for the two boys we ‘adopted’ through the radio station gift drive. Malachi and Billy, I hope you have an amazing Christmas filled with love.

9) I spoke to a client today who shares a name with one of my dogs. When she said her name, my first thought was “Hmm, how the hell did my dog dial the phone?”

And now it’s Xmas Eve and I’m going to bed. Good night.

(yes, here’s some payroll jargon)

So, all of this talk about Congress continuing to allow the Social Security reduction thing has made me worried. Not because I care if my own paycheck is +/- 2.0% but because they’re talking about continuing this credit for two months.

Two months. Not an entire quarter??? This is going to be SUCH a freaking pain in the ass later in 2012 when all of our new clients are a mess because when we load the previous quarters wages, we generally load it all by quarter (because otherwise it’s a huge PITA) and how the hell do we load a quarter of wages when 2 months of Social Security is 4.2% and the rest is 6.2%?

Congress, stretch it out just a smidge and continue it through March. Or stop it on 12/31/11. Either way. I don’t care. Just please, PLEASE do this one tiny thing to make my life a teeny bit easier.

(American Payroll Association, I think it’s time for your lobbyists to get the eff on this!)

So. I totally just spent the last hour falling into a YouTube hole watching/listening to all of the songs on my “Acceptable Xmas Songs” post from 2006 and updating the links on my original post to the YouTube links (mostly for no good reason, but at least annually I review this post to remind myself that there are some good Christmas songs).

Am I over my Xmas Music malaise? It’s only been going on since approximately 1999 so it’s about time. I assumed it would be fatal, yet…not so much.

(Ha ha, punny spelling)

Did I tell you that Scooby has scabies? I think I did. He does.

Did I tell you that Sadie Pot Pie is heart worm positive? No, because we just visited the vet this morning before work. (What fun, spending every dime I made today before 9 AM). Well, OK, Sadie was heart worm positive even before we adopted her but back in June it was a “weak positive”. Now it’s a less weak (i.e., MORE) positive. Rrrrrgh.

Dr. Lady Mullet asked if we wanted to do another “fast kill” treatment, which is a shot they give that kills the baby worms (?) and then the adults die off in time. She theorized that Sadie may have some very strong adults still in her system, which is why she has started to cough a big, chesty hacking cough. Yay. The fast kill also requires that we keep her calm for 30 days following treatment. I didn’t move the link about heart worm treatment to Silver Dog because I thought we were past the issue but you can Google if you’re interested. Adult worms can live for 3-4 years, which I learned today.

Fortunately we have a little time before we have to decide how to handle this (she’s on doxycycline and prednisone for now so until that’s finished we don’t have to choose). Tomorrow we’re buying the biggest package of American cheese we can find since we’re going through it at quite a clip to hide doggie pills.

Typing this one handed…Betty is sleeping with her head on my lap and right hand. Who’d guess that my chunky Corgle would end up (temporarily) the healthiest of my sweet puppies?

Yes, its time for another serving of Tales of Little LaineyD…
20 years ago, my mom and I went to see Fleetwood Mac perform in Indianapolis. Except for the shoes, I remember every stitch I had on. Before the show we had dinner at the restaurant attached to the venue, where we had the honor of hearing the roadies do the sound check.
I’ve always preferred Christine McVie, the Melanie to Stevie Nicks’s Scarlett O’Hara
(Did you see what I did there? It’s a Fleetwood Mac slash Gone With the Wind casserole, just for you).
(Ok, nevermind, it’s probably just a thing only a huge dweeb like me gets).
The concert was so awesome. I saw them again about 10 years ago and it was good but not as exciting. I think it was me, not them. Something like a concert is the biggest thing when you’re 14 and whacked out on hormones (and a little extra crazy besides).

Hmm. Wait a minute…I saw them in 1990, not 1991. Did I just lose an entire year?? LOL. Maybe my 4 days of pretending to be retired has given me early onset Alzheimers.