The Cheesecake is Rich

Going to Indiana from approximately June 30-July 4. Yay! (However, I am not going to Arkansas as my grandfather’s wife’s granddaughter and her family are visiting right before I’d be there and that’s a lot of stress).

(I will get to Arkansas, I WILL). (I’m not proud that I have been saying that since 2008). (Also not proud that I am annoyed that my – ?? – step-cousin? – will be there more or less when I want to be there. Not thinking the most charitable of thoughts).

So, yay! Can’t wait to see my beloved family in Indianapolis in July. And that goes double for my beautiful niece, who I cannot wait to meet!

I had an email from the company I interviewed with yesterday and Thursday. They wanted me to take some online personality tests as “the final portion of the interview process.”

Hmm. What? I have no idea what to think, so I’m just going to hang out and wait to see what happens. Did I mention that Boss Gwen (as opposed to Niece G-Dawg) knows I was at an interview yesterday? I haven’t verified it but I imagine that she’ll know for sure soon enough.

This whole process is so weird. I have never been pursued for a job. I started as a temp at the company I work for now – basically, after 90 days of temping if you aren’t obviously a moron or stealing, you got hired on. And nearly 10 years later, ta-da!

This brings me to my next point: I’m supposed to have the last week of June off. Originally we were going to Berlin but then (Duh) I priced the flight and realized that THAT wouldn’t happen. Then we hit upon the idea of a road trip to Arkansas to visit my grandfather. And, well, I haven’t really planned THAT either. So now I don’t know what I’m going to do that week. (I did price flights from Cheesecake to Indianapolis and from Indianapolis to Little Rock – inexplicably the whole thing costs less than a flight from Cheesecake City to just Indy or Little Rock. Airlines you are too confusing).

(However: someone – not me – is having surgery that week  so maybe I’ll just stay here and see if she can get me a hook up for an IV built for two).

(really, I don’t know. It would be so much easier if I were unemployed and independently wealthy.)

So, I just read about this interesting idea elsewhere on the Internet where some people are writing letters to the 20 year old version of themselves. I am also avoiding going to bed even though I have to get up at 6 and told Gene I’d come to bed an hour ago.

Therefore, I give you the following:

Dear 20 Year Old LaineyD:

First of all, it’s sorely tempting to just write “RUN!” and call it a day, but I won’t. (Ditto “STAY OFF THE INTERNET!”). So, 13 years in the future, let me just say that there are things you don’t want at age 20 but you might want them later, so don’t be surprised when it happens (or not). Choose wisely because sometimes people say they want things but are actually big fucking liars.

Here’s a big “Don’t”: Don’t think you’re different from the others. You’re not. You’re just like them. Again, don’t be surprised when this happens. Try to reduce the smug/judgmental side of yourself just a hair, OK?

Strongly consider changing your major right now. Yeah, journalism sounds great – notice how you’re not actually practicing journalism at the collegiate level? If you don’t have the cajones to write for the school paper at Ball State, you’re never going to get it together to write professionally. Get a degree in something vaguely useable because you only get one gratis college degree (if you’re lucky, and you are). Try not to squander every opportunity and/or Get Out of Jail Free card that life hands you.

Speaking of jail, you know who is a very bad person. Try to remove that person from your life NOW. I know it sounds all glamorous, but, honey, he was 48 when we were 16. That’s not glam, that’s straight up chi-mo territory.

Turning 30 sucks just as much as you think it does – but soon you’ll see the rise of a group of women called “celebutantes.” The good news is that they’ll all turn 30, too. You’ll still be older than them but they’ll look older than you. You win.

Anyway, keep on with what you’re doing. In the absolute vast majority of ways, you’re doing fine. Here are some bits of gossip for you: Guess who’s been married two times (as of late May 2010)? No, really, guess! Yes, I KNOW! You take some bullets, you dodge some, I guess (so much for ditching the smug stuff, eh?). Oh, and go find 20 year old Brandy and tell her she’ll be driving a mini-van with her 3 babies inside. Exactly zero of them are fathered by Christian Slater, but it turns out she dodged a bullet too.

Much love,

LaineyD, Age 33

PS: Seriously. Stay off the internet. Unless you’re inventing something called Facebook, you should probably be studying anyway.

aaaaaaaargh.

I’m not going to say the interview went poorly today but I will say that I am drinking a *VERY* large Cherry Pepsi Icee and this fact is the best thing that happened to me today.

Other things that went better today than the interview:

1) Received 3 books from Bookmooch. (total # of Bookmooch books I’ve read so far = 0. Can I go back on vacation?)

2) Took car to Nissan dealership. The oil change was free (yay for Nissan giftcard, which is a long story – did I tell you about this already?) but the wire in the steering column that needs to be replaced is more like $350. Wahoo. (Okay, it’s actually going to be $339 because I still have $11 on that gift card).

3) Oatmeal, walnut and cranberry break-n-bake cookies (the reason I went to Target, ha ha) are in the oven and smell freaking incredible.

4) Lunch was take out from Qdoba and was yummy. Oh, Mexican food, how I adore thee.

All of that said…here is a VERY important life lesson that I hope I have learned on behalf of each of you: When interviewing with the CE(fucking)O of a company (siiigh) do not refer to the company by the name of his competitor. (Yes, clearly I DO want to go live on the streets after my current employer goes toes up).

Oh, and the reason the company called me 24 hours later for a second interview was because the CEO was going to be out of town the rest of the week and on vacation the subsequent two weeks. So much for my “OMG they love me!” theory.

Cookies are done.

1) Watching the season premiere of Burn Notice. Michael Westen is so bad ass.

2) You know what I want to see (other than a picture of Miley Cyrus post head shave – it’s coming, I can feel it)? A movie with a May-December bromance. I’m thinking Abe Vigoda and Michael Cera in a remake of Lethal Weapon. What do you think? We need to get moving on this – Abe Vigoda is 89 fucking years old.

to me:

Dear Me,

I will stop looking at Las Vegas vacations if you’ll start keeping our cell phone in our purse so we can get calls from (  ::crosses fingers::  ) POSSIBLE FUTURE EMPLOYERS CALLING TO SCHEDULE A SECOND INTERVIEW for MONDAY, which is WEEKS EARLIER THAN THEY’D ORIGINALLY PLANNED.

Is your goal to take up residence at the soup kitchen?? DUHHH.

Love,

You

PS: The new suit is way cuter than the Stupid Suit. Well done.

Sing it with me!

“This is my stop!

Got to get off!

I may go pop!

Excuse me…excuse me!

I’ve got to beee dirrrrect!

If I’m wrong, please correct!

You’re standing on my neck!”

~Splendora, “You’re Standing on My Neck” (Daria main theme song)

(Why am I the only one singing??)

Anyway, so in another case of awesome begetting more awesome, my baby brother Macauley/Bill gave me the DVD collection for sketch comedy troupe The State as an Xmas gift last year and I finished the set the week before Gene and I went to Las Vegas. Fortunately, the previews at the start of one of the DVDs included an ad for the DVD collection for the equally awesome show Daria.

(Sidebar: Thank you Almighty D for the awesome birthday gift).

(Have I said “awesome” enough?)

Daria was on MTV in the 1990s and I feel pretty sure that the freaking awesome main character, Daria Morgendorffer, was me. She was sarcastic, funny and smart. Unlike me she didn’t spend all night on the internet talking to boys, but I assume that was artistic license. I have watched the first of the DVDs already and it feels like coming home. I also am concerned that this means that high school really was the best time of my life, but that has been a sneaking suspicion for awhile. Who knows, maybe my 70s will be great.

to me…

Dear Elaine,

Please stop looking at Las Vegas vacations. Your vacation is over. You were there for a freaking week. Yes, all the banner ads on all the websites you visit (at home AND at work…sigh) are for packages for the hotels but that does NOT mean that you should click on them. First of all, it’s a self perpetuating problem because clearly clicking on a banner just means you get more banners later. Second of all, you JUST were there! And finally, you need to go to Indiana, Arkansas and Germany this year. Not Las Vegas.

Say it with you: I Hate Las Vegas.

Much love,

You

(But I loooooove vacations).

(Or, the post about the job interview was getting long)

Unrelated thoughts:

After my job interview, I had to change out of my Stupid Suit (and I get to buy another suit if I have a second interview, shoot me now) so instead of being Not an Idiot and changing in a gas station bathroom I changed in the car. (For the record, the place I interviewed in was in an office park, the parking lot had a tall hedge and was mostly deserted – still, stupid!).

I heard Miley Cyrus’s song “Can’t Be Tamed” on the radio today. I think she’s cruising for a Britney Spears-style meltdown and marriage to a hobo. That’ll be fun to watch. Britney’s lucky to have a father who isn’t totally off the rails wacky, though. Will Billy Ray do the same? All signs point to “Duh, no.”

(And yes, these are the things I think about – stupid Top 40 radio station!)

I went to work after my interview and was there until about 12:30 or 1, when I packed it in and said “Yeah, still sick, can’t keep my eyes open, going home.” (And that’s another diva trick you can’t pull at a new employer’s). Came home, took a nap, feeling better. Downside: It’s midnight and I’m awake writing this.

Hear ye, hear ye: I think I might actually like my job. Who knew? Mahjobisnotsobaddis.

So, I’m still in the endless pursuit of obtaining employment with a company not in the throes of a New Chapter (11). Today I had a job interview at a payroll outsourcer. I think it went well. I interviewed with the lady who would be my boss and the company’s HR Director (who is my age and has no pores on her face – how is that possible?). They told me that I would hear something in the next couple of weeks. They are going to do a second round of interviews (with the company’s CEO – fancy, fancy!). I think they liked me and the location is about 10 minutes from my house. My current commute is 30 minutes or less so this would be even better.

I really hate job interviews, but I hate the idea of leaving my employer even more. I know that Gwen (who is rapidly becoming a full 50% heinous) will be crushed if/when I leave. And not getting to hang out with The Almighty D once or twice a day will SUCK. (She’s not just my Work Friend, she’s my Real Friend and I am so freaking lucky to know her).

(Sidebar: OMG, I just realized that if they don’t do second interviews for 2 more weeks and if I am hired I will probably start while D is on an FMLA leave [that I won't discuss here, but will probably ask you all to cross your fingers for her on her big day because trust me, We All Love The Almighty D].)

So, part of me thinks that if this job (and another job that I may interview for that is about a 30-45 minute commute but a ton more $) does not work out and I do end up on Unemployment after hanging on until the bloody end, it won’t be so bad. Every pink collar at my office is licking their chops for that kind of break. We all have massive To Do lists at home and absolutely no energy To Do anything on them. (Also: unemployment isn’t really that much less than I make now)