Actually, it’s a stupid thing I did yesterday. It was so mortifying that I actually couldn’t talk about it at all yesterday. When I fuck up, I fuck up and when I fuck up to the point where I actually feel guilty or embarassed or whatever, it goes like this: “Oh FUCK I shouldn’t have done that can I please go play in traffic\/run away from home\/quit my job\/go back to bed\/die?” And when it floats back up to the top of my conscious (and when you spend so much time doing trained monkey crap at work, you have a lot of time to think) it feels white hot painful and the cycle starts anew.<\/p>\n
Life is a lot better for me when I fuck up and can blame it on someone else. Don’t think I haven’t tried. I’ve tried to spin this one, tried to play it off, tried to forget all about it, thought about apologizing, thought about ack! White hot pain! I think the only answer is to (sigh) own up to my fuck up and apologize to the person I’ve upset.<\/p>\n
So, here’s the basics: My grandmother died of the same thing that Blanche will (Grandma died in 1989, when I was 12). I asked my grandfather about it and I think it really bothered him. The only thing else it could have been was that he was upset that I was upset, but I think that’s just blame shifting because this is my fuck up. It was stupid stupid stupid to even have the conversation. It seemed like a good idea (on what fucking planet??) but it was a horrible, awful, terrible no-good idea. When it finally penetrated my dumb-ass skull, the horribleness of the idea, I just couldn’t talk anymore and I think I apologized to him and told him I was sorry I asked. I will have to call back soon and apologize to Grandpa and his wife Sally. I hope I didn’t cause havoc but I think I probably did.<\/p>\n
I had called Grandpa while I was on the road home from work and when I got home I eventually told Gene. He’s a fixer kinda guy and just wanted me to be happy again. He took a problem call last evening and I finally just told him, “You know how you fixed that? You can’t fix this.” I have to fix this. I want to make my Grandfather feel better and I want to make myself feel better. That crushing feeling has just got to go.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Actually, it’s a stupid thing I did yesterday. It was so mortifying that I actually couldn’t talk about it at all yesterday. When I fuck up, I fuck up and when I fuck up to the point where I actually feel guilty or embarassed or whatever, it goes like this: “Oh FUCK I shouldn’t have…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-488","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-certifiable-undeniable","category-really-deep-thoughts"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/488","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=488"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/488\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=488"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=488"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=488"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}