Sooo…ha ha ha….remember how stressed I was about what to wear to Macauley and Michelle’s wedding? How I looked at seventy five shops in 3 malls? Plus a trillion online shops? How my too kind friend Julie emailed me at least a half dozen really good suggestions?<\/p>\n
iworepants<\/p>\n
I’m sorry, Elaine, WHAT did you say?<\/p>\n
I SAID I WORE PANTS<\/p>\n
So, the Thursday before we left for Ohio, I went to the mall and finally bought something. It was a sleeveless long dress with a light blue background and little purple flowers. Very pretty. It came with the world’s ugliest jacket, but I figured I could just pick up one of those little shawl looking things and be done. YEA!<\/p>\n
Did I tell you this? After I bought the dress, I had to walk through a few sets of theft detectors and they all beeped. Finally, I turned around and called out “I didn’t steal anything!” and kept walking. I knew I was OK because NO ONE from the store bothered to chase me down and cuff me.<\/p>\n
Turns out, the theft detecting hangtag off that fugly jacket was still on there. Fucking idiots! If I have the receipt and the tags intact, I’m totally returning it. Life is too short and money too dear otherwise.<\/p>\n
So anyway: on the day of the wedding, I put the dress on, only to discover that the armholes were so wide that you could see my nasty ass bra. Plus I never got around to buying a little wrap thingy, and my arms were a little sunburned from an outdoor lunch. I looked at my pathetic reflection in the mirror at the Adams Mark bathroom and one thought drifted to the front of my mind:<\/p>\n
Get your pants on, you fat idiot.<\/em><\/p>\n So that’s what I did. Julie, I sincerely hope you won’t make good on your threat to injure me – I mean, I bought a dress….just didn’t wear it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Sooo…ha ha ha….remember how stressed I was about what to wear to Macauley and Michelle’s wedding? How I looked at seventy five shops in 3 malls? Plus a trillion online shops? How my too kind friend Julie emailed me at least a half dozen really good suggestions? iworepants I’m sorry, Elaine, WHAT did you say?…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,3,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-543","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-certifiable-undeniable","category-really-deep-thoughts","category-travels"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/543","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=543"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/543\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=543"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=543"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/laineyd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=543"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}