If your check date is tomorrow, don’t call us at 4:45 and expect me to take down your payroll, key your payroll and process your payroll by 5 PM. I don’t care that the other team was able to do that. (OK, fine, I pulled it off but they are getting an email that says “yeahhh, don’t do that again!”)
And then, if you do call, don’t spend three minutes trying to get me to chat with you about the changes at my employer. Dude, it’s not MY employees who almost didn’t get paid. Nimrod.
And then, have your shit together. Perhaps consider arranging your information alphabetically. And also consider having all of your information ready. Now is NOT the time to do complex payroll calculations. Dude, it’s not MY company that’s the subject of an intense labor board investigation for committing a Sin of Payroll.
And finally, DUDE, I am NOT your dedicated rep. Next time you call, I am specifically handing you over to someone else on my team because you are gross and you run a less than savory business. I could literally be in the middle of napping or reading an article on CNN.com and I will STILL say I am “right in the middle of a huge report, let me transfer you to…”
Pffffhhhhht.