So anyway, Friday I had LASIK surgery.
(Even better than that, I had the day off of work…yayayay!)
Anyway, my appointment was yesterday at 9:30 AM, way in downtown Cheesecake City, so the alarm actually went off at 6:30 AM. Which is an entire half hour earlier than my normal alarm. Pffht.
And I’d already woken up, anyway. I’d been up since 5. I killed time by petting the dogs and playing Canasta on Pogo. After Gene and I were dressed, we discussed breakfast. “Fast food?” I suggested, eager to just eat something so my Lexapro and the Ativan wouldn’t make me sick.
“B’Evans?” he retorted. For the record, Bob Evans no longer has sliced mush on the menu. There is, however, a picture of a Bob Evans restaurant from another era that looks just like the restaurant near my Grandma M’s house so it always makes me nostalgic (although, I don’t recall ever actually eating there with Grandma M).
I wasn’t eager to dawdle over breakfast (Cheesecake City traffic often sucks) but what the hell, there’s always time for bacon. The waitress, inexplicably, sang us a little song as she brought us the food about her being the Breakfast Fairy or something. It would have been charming if I were 6 or 96, but I’m 35 and a little nervous about my eyes being lasered shut so I would have really just appreciated a “Here ya go!” as she dropped the food on the table.
(Note to Bob Evans: drug testing for servers?)
Anyway. Eventually we got to Cheesecake City Laser Eye Center. I got to sign a long document stating that I would not sue if everything went awry. Apparently, now that I have had LASIK, I am no longer allowed to work in certain industries. They didn’t state which industries but I’m going to guess that aeronautics is on the list.
Apparently the Laser Eye center is the place to go for Botox and Restylane so while we waited I paged through an ad for Restylane. When I get those mustache area wrinkles (shudder) I am totally getting Restylane injected to fix that shit. (No kidding)
Anyway. Eventually it was my turn. I got to wear a blue surgical cap. The nurses put a bunch of drops in my eyes. At some point I got 2 mg of Ativan and some sum of Prednisone. I was really annoyed that the Ativan never made me feel loopy. But then, after one of the rounds of eye drops, I told Gene “this is all so touching!” as I blotted my eyes and I also told him that the prednisone would make my eyes want to clean the house but the rest of me would be asleep. (Har har, prednisone humor).
Oh, and the lady who had surgery done shortly before me had to be wheeled out of the surgery room in a wheelchair. I am 99% sure I exited under my own power.
The surgery itself is the weirdest damn thing. It was done in two parts: the green laser part and the red laser part. The green laser part creates the f-l-a-p (AHHHH!!). The red laser part…I have no clue, except I no longer have f-l-a-p-s so there’s that (YAY?).
At some point after that, another doctor looked at my eyes and declared them good to go. Finally, we got to go home. YAY.
At home, I had an Ambien and was convinced that I wasn’t sleeping except I had to be woken up every hour for more eyedrops. At some point I sent Gene out for chicken fingers. Number of chicken fingers I remember eating: zero. Later, I got another Ambien (why? Dunno). Number of Ambien I remember taking yesterday: three, a personal best.
Dinner was steamed Chinese dumplings and a sushi roll (which is what I always want to eat when I’m sick). Number of dumplings or sushi I remember eating: cloudy, but I do remember telling Gene that in honor of my surgery I would give myself the gift of using a fork to eat dinner. Plus, I’d just spent a lot of money to have eye surgery, did anyone think that giving me a sharp stick (let alone two) was a good plan?
Afterwards, we watched the first episode of The Killing on Netflix. Well, I had giant eye shields on and was supposed to rest my eyes so mainly I listened and fell asleep and opened my eyes once in awhile because Michelle Forbes plays the grieving mother on this show and I really like her. But every time I opened my eyes I teared up (like teary, not like tore) and then I’d blot my eyes and Gene would ask if I was OK so it just seemed easier to rest my eyes. Plus, by then I’d had two Ambien so how the hell was I awake, anyway?
Soon after, I noticed that Gene took an Ambien so I decided I should have another one as well. More drops, then we shuffled off to bed. I couldn’t really walk well but I think it was my usual post-Ambien stumble and nothing special. In the middle of the night I woke up minus 1 eye shield and with eye shield tape stuck to my hand. And with a headache.
(Note to self: Did I drop any Aleve on the bedroom floor?)
Took some Aleve and fixed the eye shield and went back to sleep. Woke up at 6:30 (AGAIN! Worst days off EVER) because I had a follow up appointment where the same doctor looked at my eyes and said I was still OK and I could finally take off my eye shields. Wore my sunglasses home.
So, I guess this is a long way of saying:
Mom, I finally used my birthday present from last year.
And with that, I’ve been staring at this screen too long and everything’s a little fuzzy so….that’s enough for now.
(Except…PS, Gene has been a really excellent helper).