Actually, it’s a stupid thing I did yesterday. It was so mortifying that I actually couldn’t talk about it at all yesterday. When I fuck up, I fuck up and when I fuck up to the point where I actually feel guilty or embarassed or whatever, it goes like this: “Oh FUCK I shouldn’t have done that can I please go play in traffic/run away from home/quit my job/go back to bed/die?” And when it floats back up to the top of my conscious (and when you spend so much time doing trained monkey crap at work, you have a lot of time to think) it feels white hot painful and the cycle starts anew.
Life is a lot better for me when I fuck up and can blame it on someone else. Don’t think I haven’t tried. I’ve tried to spin this one, tried to play it off, tried to forget all about it, thought about apologizing, thought about ack! White hot pain! I think the only answer is to (sigh) own up to my fuck up and apologize to the person I’ve upset.
So, here’s the basics: My grandmother died of the same thing that Blanche will (Grandma died in 1989, when I was 12). I asked my grandfather about it and I think it really bothered him. The only thing else it could have been was that he was upset that I was upset, but I think that’s just blame shifting because this is my fuck up. It was stupid stupid stupid to even have the conversation. It seemed like a good idea (on what fucking planet??) but it was a horrible, awful, terrible no-good idea. When it finally penetrated my dumb-ass skull, the horribleness of the idea, I just couldn’t talk anymore and I think I apologized to him and told him I was sorry I asked. I will have to call back soon and apologize to Grandpa and his wife Sally. I hope I didn’t cause havoc but I think I probably did.
I had called Grandpa while I was on the road home from work and when I got home I eventually told Gene. He’s a fixer kinda guy and just wanted me to be happy again. He took a problem call last evening and I finally just told him, “You know how you fixed that? You can’t fix this.” I have to fix this. I want to make my Grandfather feel better and I want to make myself feel better. That crushing feeling has just got to go.