So I just finished checking out the Tolerability Index on the Onion and their banner ad is for “Last Minute Cop Out Gifts”.
Umm, WHAT??
Since when is November 1 “LAST MINUTE”??
And my boss wonders why the holiday season leaves me depressed and anxious (seriously: if we didn’t already have semi plans for both Thanksgiving and Xmas, I’d probably not be able to leave bed for days). There’s not enough time, money or happiness to sustain us for 60 entire days of this shit. And then there’s the relentless holiday music piped in every-fucking-where.
And OOH! I heard on TV that Toys R Us’s big holiday promotion, the Big Toy Book, is now out. While I am now boycotting the Haus of Geoffrey, just hearing the phrase Big Toy Book takes me back to those days of Xmas ’99, where I spent ten hours a day handling phone calls for TRU.com, mostly listening to Jersey housewives tell me why their kid’s Christmas is now ruined and the entire experience has been a “nightmare”. (Like talking to you for 40 minutes is a cakewalk??) All with Gloria fucking Estefan’s version of Let it Snow playing in the background. There is nothing quite like that memory to make me want to jump in front of a train.
(Just 25 days until our Muzak at work is switched over to the All Xmas music, all the time station. Xmas 2000 was my first year at my current job and the Xmas music alone was enough to make me want to quit. Last year they stopped playing the Eagles version of Please Come Home for Christmas and if New Boss hadn’t brought in a radio to give us some relief…well, let’s not go there. Ugh. And even New Boss’s radio was tuned to the All Xmas all the time station, but at least it had a few different songs for variety. If you call variety two versions of some horrible song called “Christmas in Kilarney” and the racist tripe that is “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” several times a day).
(OK, OK, let’s all join hands and sing a round of “You’re a mean one, Lainey D….”)